Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Helena Bonham Carter, Tim Roth, Estella Warren, Paul Giamatti, Michael Clarke Duncan, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, Kris Kristofferson

Directed By Tim Burton

OK. So, this movie is supposed to be terrible. God awful. Right? Well, let me just start by saying that I have mad respect for Rick Baker as a makeup artist. Yes, what they are doing with the new Apes movies is quite extraordinary, but for those who appreciate traditional makeup, Planet Of he Apes is quite amazing. It doesn’t prohibit Tim Roth from his scenery chewing goodness, nor does it stop Helenah Bonham Carter from emoting. It also doesn’t stop the incredibly creepy kiss between Wahlberg and Carter (who is an ape in the film). I know she’s talking to you… but she’s actually a different species. Plus, Estella Warren is in the film, and she’s actually hot, and human. And you kiss her too. I don’t quite understand why Wahlberg needed two love interests, or why he would leave a planet with two love interests, but he does.

Wahlberg has definitely gotten better at his acting since 2001. He just spends the entire movie looking confused. Very very confused. He has one of the best confused faces I’ve ever seen. However, it just makes him look like a dumbass through half the movie. Like he actually can’t figure out what is happening. Roth, alternatively, is kinda perfect as an aggressively angry villain. He balances the film.

And it’s hard to distinguish who Michael Clarke Duncan is in the film, because it sounds like he is voicing every generic ape character. Most of them have low voices that sound like Duncan. And the ending? Well, it’s cool for a shock value, I suppose, but it just doesn’t make any sense. Even if it were true, you’re saying that the Apes happened to create a perfectly identical world except instead of a Lincoln Memorial, it’s a General Thade memorial? It doesn’t explain how the Apes knew to recreate Washington DC, nor does it explain how Thade, who was viewed as the enemy when Wahlberg left, was now a hero. I suppose they thought they’d get a sequel. And with 180M domestically, it probably deserved a sequel.

We didn’t get one though. And that’s fine, because I’m sure the sequel would have been worse. There wasn’t really anywhere they could go after this one, except to have Wahlberg living in some bizarro alternate reality where the Apes world is exactly the same as ours. The new Apes movies have a much stronger direction, and much more plausible.

FINAL GRADE: C+