Where I Watched It: Apple Plus

English Audio Description?: Yes

Narrated By: Jedidiah Barton

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Michelle Monaghan, Maggie Q, and Ciaran Hines.

Written By: David Coggeshall

Directed By: Simon Cellan Jones

This is not about a family plan. The title is so generic it could have been named by AI, and the script is bad enough it might as well have been. The plot revolves around Wahlberg playing a father, who seems to be a rather run of the mill car salesman, who has a wife, and some kids. He also apparently used to be in some organized crime unit, and is living in hiding, though his family is totally unaware. So, no planning.

When Wahlberg notices things have gone south, he looks for his go bag, but it is out of date and the kids are much older than their photos. So, no plan. They can’t plan anything because they aren’t on the same page, and when they are on the run, Wahlberg is the only one with a useful set of skills. When the family threatens to leave him because of his deception, that’s not really a plan. no one ever plans anything in this film. It’s not even a solid healthcare joke, because there’s no angle there. I thought, maybe everyone is really anal about calendar organization, but that’s not true either.

What this is, is a super unrealistic mess that fails to be funny or exciting. It’s never anything you haven’t seen before, and it feels dated. For example, we see Wahlberg trying to get in touch with his kids, but he’s banned his son from playing video games. When this is first mentioned, we think he casually plays them, but he’s actually a pro gamer with fans who actually wait to watch him. His skills as a gamer come in somewhat use later on. The daughter used to write for the paper, but doesn’t anymore. She’s basically useless to the plot. And Monaghan, basically is there to carry a baby around. I’m not even sure what she does for a living.

Just when the movie is almost dead, Maggie Q shows up, clearly thinking she’s in a different film, and tries to bring some comedy to this lifeless corpse. And, Oscar nominee Ciaran Hines collects his paycheck.

Sadly, one of the worst films I’ve seen this year, and a rare misfire for Apple Films, who have previously made their films at least watchable. This has audio description, and I’m pretty sure it is Jedidiah Barton, but there are no credits at the end. we just fade away. I’m glad that Apple picked this film to start not crediting the audio description team.

The audio description is fine though, and gets you all up in the fights. Like the one Wahlberg has to have while holding his baby.

Get with your family, and submit a plan to not see this.

Skip this. Hard pass.

FINAL GRADE: D-