I love Jurassic Park. I like to list it often as my favorite film of all time, and I truly don’t know how many times I’ve seen it. I wore my old VHS copy out, always caught it when it was on TV, own it on DVD/BluRay, digital, and whatever I can get. Merch, shirts, the Jurassic Park section at Islands Of Adventure. I’ve seen every film, and watch the entire animated Jurassic franchise on Netflix. I did not see Dominion in theatres. I don’t get out to see every movie, but I prioritized this, my 6th trip (7th film) in theatres this year out of 183 titles. I don’t love going because the films I want to see are loud as ever loving hell, and my headsets are ghetto. They can only get so lout, and i can’t use noise cancelling, because they only have the audio description. So anytime I go, the voice inevitably cuts out, when the film gets loud. Between the dinosaurs and Alexandre Desplat’s roaring score, this is a loud film. I even had to send my headphones back to guest services for a second chance when I realized there was no audio description. It would be nice if trailers were described, then we’d get described previews AND a heads up on our headsets. help me help you.

I skew positive on anything Jurassic, because even a bad Jurassic film is more interesting to me than a mediocre film. But, sadly, this is not good. I don’t know who these people are who like this, or why they like it. I hear “Gareth Edward’s knows how to direct scale’, but that can’t be a reason. The film itself is a retread of previous ideas that were left on the cutting room floor, led by characters you won’t like.

In the seventh outing, we have a billionaire pharma bro (Rupert Friend) who commissions a team of mercenaries (led by Scarlett Johansson and mahershala Ali) to accompany a scientist (Jonathan Bailey) to an island of misfit dinosaurs, and extract DNA from living creatures. We have to get a water, air, and land. It feels like a video game side quest. Retrieve three things and return to me for your gold.

While they are trying to get the water Airbender, I mean dinosaur, a nearby boat capsizes, and this hardened group rescues a dad, his two daughters, and the eldest daughter’s obnoxious boyfriend. All these characters, plus some red shirt Merce make up for the team to run from the dinosaurs.

No spoilers here, but this film plays with something Jurassic World started to, and this franchise has wanted to for a long time. I dislike the angle. There was an idea for a 4th Jurassic film before Jurassic World, and I was happy when that concept died, but Gareth Edward’s seems apt to dive back in.

I’m not sure any actor is bad, I just didn’t like them. Jonathan bailey was the only character that worked for me, and even his character is a stretch. he is a paleontologist that somehow has never encountered a dinosaur when we have real dinosaurs. The world has rejected these beasts and pushed them down to the equator and some islands, and climate change is doing the rest. This franchise can never seem to decide if life finds a way, or nature takes its course. What Bailey does is more what Edward’s needed to do. Make dinosaurs cool again. that’s why Jurassic World was such a huge hit. It replicated the magic of the original, and put that out there in a new sheen. This seventh entry seems to shrug at its own subject material and wonder if anyone will care. If you don’t give them a reason to, I suppose they won’t.

Johansson is all over the place, and a lot of odd character choices. She’s clearly the lead, and she’s also here for the money. Even later in the film, after some proverbial shit has hit the fan, and she’s trying to spark a relationship with bailey (who plays his role almost asexual), she is given the opportunity to do good, or still take money… and she still takes money. honestly, I thought this film was going to go big and bold and kill off more characters, but it really avoids that. I might have just had Bailey, the youngest daughter, and her adorable baby dinosaur make it.

Much like horror movies, you have to root for characters, and I really wasn’t. I also thought that aside from a few of the biggest set pieces, this film exceeded its ideal runtime. Say what you want about Chris Pratt, but Owen Grady was a fun lead. If we’re getting more from Gareth Edward’s, somehow Jonathan bailey and his nerdy wonder of the majesty of seeing these beasts has to come through. It’s that little kid feeling you get when you hear that John Williams score, and it is something Desplat does well here. he tips his hat to Williams, and modifies it a bit, but the nostalgia is noticed. Bailey seems to be the one who understands both the gravity of what science has done, and can marvel at it. And, for seven films in, you have to remind people why they are here to begin with.

The animated Jurassic shows on Netflix do an excellent job with character work, various dinosaurs, and different villains. If Gareth Edward’s moves forward, it might be time to find a new screenwriter (I know that is blasphemous), because this series has got to act like each time out of the gate is the first. Maybe that’s why Bailey gets it. He had to do all those rehearsals for Wicked, and then still come out and make it feel like the first time. That’s what live theatre is, the power of originality, even when the show has been going for ten years, and none of these people are the original cast.

I want to feel ten again. not because we’re trapped in nostalgia bait, but because that’s why Jurassic Park became such a hit. it was so fresh, so new, and instantly iconic, and it felt like an adventure you’d want to take despite the danger. I can’t say the same thing here. And, modifying the genetic code isn’t the answer. Life might find a way, but will this creative team, or are they perfectly happy resigning themselves to the idea that no matter what they do they can never beat the original. It isn’t about actually beating Jurassic Park, it is about having the balls to try.

Addendum: I came back around to this a second time before posting my review to Rotten tomatoes, because my theatrical experience with the audio description wasn’t great. the audio description track is Media Access group, narrated by Andrew Thatcher, and it mostly does nice work. It does what the Netflix shows do, and names the dinosaurs. i would prefer more of the hybrids to be described. I’m not sure all of them are. but, they certainly tried. Even the D-Rex is described in portions, with his initial injection into the film being “a bulbous head”, and then near the end of the film we hear he has six arms. I do wonder about size, in terms of the D-Rex versus a T-Rex, or Andominos Rex. I initially missed the first chunk of the film because my headset wasn’t working, so I didn’t get the two headed dinosaur, or the snickers wrapper. Media Access did a really nice track here, and it shows most in the carnage.

On a side note, the film plays a bit better the second time, because i was already angry about the angle the film took, so it didn’t take me by surprise. I wasn’t a fan of the mutants, but if you know mutant dinosaurs are coming, and you’ve been through it before, it plays slightly better on a rewatch than the previous two iterations. Dominion and fallen Kingdom aren’t as fun on repeat viewings, but a few scenes work better here the second time, if you can get past the mutant effect.

I’m still shocked at the low body count. Aside from the opening sequence, there are a few red shirt deaths, but only one of the leads. I recognize now that the father is played by Manuel Garcia from the Lincoln Lawyer on Netflix. I recognized and placed his voice finally. The boyfriend is still a poorly written character, and Johansson needs a better character arc. Jonathan Bailey is the best cast member here. when he marvels at dinosaurs, it really reminds you of what made this franchise cool in the first place. The last few iterations have messed with the formula, not understanding that dinosaurs are why people watch this, and they’ve instead played with clone humans, locusts, and now mutants. God only knows what would be next. They wanted to do human/dino hybrids about 15-20 years ago, before Jurassic World. I have a feeling no one involved with the Jurassic live action franchise has any idea what to do anymore. Sadly, even after getting the totality of the description, which was excellent, it isn’t enough to get me to rally to a fresh score. And this is my ride or die franchise. i don’t like this film, and I’m still likely to see it at least five more times in my life because I am obsessed with all things Jurassic. I just can’t go positive, though it is better than Fallen Kingdom and Dominion. not by much.

rotten: 5.4/10