Disclaimer: I’m a blind film critic, and you can’t handle the truth.

We just have to remake things. it’s this compulsion we have in Hollywood, to not let any franchise die, even if there is no franchise. It’s why we have so many variations on An Affair To Remember and The shop Around The Corner. Here, the nod is deliberate, though the film is nothing like its predecessor.

It was disappointing to see Jay Roach as the director here, because he’s fared much better in comedy.here, it feels like he’s not really sure what is funny anymore, so he recruited two SNL alums to fix his problems.

the Roses this time are Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Coleman, an interesting redirect after Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. The war Of The Roses capitalized on Douglas and Turner having appeared on screen together in romancing the Stone and Jewel of The Nile. Romancing The Stone is still seen as a bit of a classic. Cumberbatch and Coleman previously did one film together, and I’m pretty sure anyone going into this didn’t see it.

In his infinite wisdom, Jay roach decides to make us wait for the fun stuff. We spend quite a bit of time investing into the marriage, the careers, the kids, and all on a pretty amicable playing field, until the house of cards needs to finally come down. then, we finally get the fun stuff, as our leads begin to separate, with neither willing to give up the glorious mansion they live in.The original was a dark comedy, and roach updates the humor to include all the technology we’ve gained in the last 35+ years.

So the last third of the film was a lot of fun, but the problem was getting there. Sadly, some talented supporting cast members brought nothing to the table. Andy Samberg and Kate McKinnon play the best friend couple, essentially replacing Danny Devito’s role from the original. I’m sure they are great friends, but Samberg and McKinnon have no chemistry, and feel like brother and sister. It would have been better to just assign them as friends, with each one being the best friend to one of the roses, and helping them in their quest for domination. Instead, their screentime is nominal, and they never elevate the film. Allison Janney has an even smaller role, which wastes her as well.

The audio description was by Dave Wallace, and it was interesting to hear him on a feature. He’s one of my favorite narrators, and has an ear for comedic timing, knowing how to deliver description in a way that supports the gag. Some write it off as being overly performative, and I’d agree, if he was trying to find the funny in saving Private Ryan, but that just isn’t the case. Here, he tries to help make jokes work even if they aren’t very funny, and when one does land, it is just right. It’s complimentary, and an understanding of the project you’re narrating. I probably would have liked the film even less without him, to be honest. A flat narrator would have made the first two thirds feel more excruciating to get through.

Despite the talent involved, The Roses isn’t worth stopping for.

It isn’t because the leads aren’t game, the last third proves they are. It is that Jay roach doesn’t seem to know why anyone would want to watch this in the first place, believing we have to deeply understand these flawed characters in order to see them rip each other apart. It’s a fallacy. Sometimes, you cut to the chase.

Rotten: 5.2/10