Category: Movie Review

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Joy Ride

John Stark

Where I Watched It: VOD/iTunes English Audio Description Provided By: Deluxe Narrated By: Jennifer Zane, Darren Rivets, and William Michael Redman. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I used to work in a movie theatre. Shocking. To this day, i remember the trailer for joy Ride. not the new film I’m about to review, but the thriller starring Paul Walker. We used to have a TV in the lobby that ran a loop of upcoming trailers, and when joy Ride was on there, there was always this moment where Paul Walker super emphatically shouted “He’s watching … Continue reading Joy Ride

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Pain Hustlers

John Stark

Where I Watched It: Netflix English Audio Description Provided By: International Digital Center Written By Liz Gutman Emily Blunt has been deep in the conversation this year for an Oscar nomination for her supporting turn in Oppenheimer. It’s a little telling that no one is trying to make a case for a nomination for her here, as this role has a lot more screen time and is also based on a true story. That’s because Pain Hustlers really isn’t that good. Which is surprising considering director David Yates, who spent quite a bit of time propping up the various Wizarding … Continue reading Pain Hustlers

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Halloween (1978)

John Stark

English Audio Description? Provided By: Zoo Digital Narrated By: Tanzi Alexander No, this is not my first rodeo. I’ve seen Halloween before. i actually own the film on DVD, so when you see that missing “Where I Watched It” segment, and you think I’m being sketchy, remember that I do own this film. Physically. The fact that the studio couldn’t be bothered to provide accessibility is not my problem. i should not have to seek out accessibility when I’ve done my part in purchasing your title. It’s not an upgrade. It’s what I need to function. So, this was my … Continue reading Halloween (1978)

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Talk To Me

John Stark

Where I watched It: iTunes English Audio Description Provided By: Deluxe Narrated By: William Michael Redman Like most horror films, Talk To Me has an element you just have to accept. If you can’t accept the element, the film will never work for you. There is a hand, people grab onto it, and let a spirit inside them. The rule is that it can only be for a short period, like a quick high, but sadly this Aussie horror film is really bad at explaining how people know things. So, you just have to accept that this is the world. … Continue reading Talk To Me

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Cobweb

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Hulu English Audio Description?: No I was really looking forward to this, as the other critics I admire who saw this theatrically in July were mostly positive. Sadly, Cobweb was relegated to Hulu, where the great minds decided not to pursue acquiring an audio description track. So, sadly, this is from the perspective of a blind critic forced to watch this without accessibility, which is another reason studios should add me to their screener mailing list. How can I praise a horror movie if I don’t know what’s horrifying about it? My instinct would be to … Continue reading Cobweb

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The Mill

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Hulu English Audio Description?: Yes The Mill is one of those films you really should go into with as little actual knowledge of the film as possible. So, carefully sidestepping through this, I’ll offer you some reasons to check this out. The first has to be Lil Rel Howrey, who has spent the majority of his career pumping up comedic performances, but here is expected to play a relatable Everyman in what could be described as a pressure cooker thriller. There is no backstory given in The Mill, but you just are told what the script … Continue reading The Mill

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The Blackening

John Stark

Where I Watched It: Stars English Audio Description?: No I would use the term horror comedy when describing this, but I don’t want people to think Scary Movie, and adjust their expectations. The thing about The Blackening is that because of the title, it could very well seem like a full on spoof of the genre, rather than just a smart horror film that manages to navigate the tropes of a horror slasher with some biting satirical comedy. And, no, you don’t have to be black to enjoy this. Much like every horror film ever, our lead cast find themselves … Continue reading The Blackening

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The Nun 2

John Stark

Where I Watched It: MAX English Audio Description provided By: Deluxe Narrated By: William Michael Redman Welcome to the sequel to the prequel which is a spinoff of a character featured in the sequel to The Conjuring. And they say Hollywood has run out of ideas. Pish posh. After the riveting terror of the first Nun film, I can understand why we are continuing with Taissa Farmiga, despite that Demian Bichir really did tremendous work in the first film. She’s likely asking for less money. And, with the money that they saved, they can offer a spot to Storm Reid, … Continue reading The Nun 2

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The Conference

John Stark

Where I Watched It: Netflix English Audio Description?: No Just a friendly reminder that Netflix loves to boost their content profile by advertising shows and movies originally shot for use in other countries, and release them in America without English Audio Description. Even Squid Game, which became Netflix’s most watched International title didn’t launch with audio description, just an English dub track. Not the same thing. The week The Conference came out, Netflix had this constantly in my face. So, I figured if it was worth that much hype… then I realized there’s no audio description. Basically, it’s a horror … Continue reading The Conference

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Five Nights At Freddy’s

John Stark

Where I watched It: Peacock English Audio Description?: Yes From the perspective of someone who did not play the video games, I always assumed they were jump scare based games. You would have no idea of that after watching this movie. There are a few attempts, but they are all fake out jump scares, which often makes it even worse. Not to mention, the PG-13 rating leads to a lot of off-screen deaths. This made a ton of money at the box office, and I’m sure a sequel is on the way, but this first film didn’t build up enough … Continue reading Five Nights At Freddy’s

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Guy Ritchie’s The covenant

John Stark

Where I Watched It: Amazon English Audio Description Provided By: Deluxe Narrated By: Jedidiah Barton, Jillian Smith, and Laura Post When this first came out, i assumed it was more of Guy Ritchie’s crap. If we are being honest, he’s been stuck for a while now, and while I used to get excited by seeing his name on a film, he’s started to lose me. I think The Covenant is one of the best things he’s ever directed. Certainly, it stands out in my mind as being one of the best films of the year, and I don’t care who … Continue reading Guy Ritchie’s The covenant

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Devil

John Stark

Where I Watched It: Amazon English Audio Description?: Yes The M. Night Shyamalan movie that technically is not his film, but feels unofficially his due to his oversight. Sort of like all the people I run into that think Jordan Peele directed that last Candyman film. I’m always like “You think the guy who made Get out, us, and Nope directed that?” Devil is a hot mess of circumstance, where it gives you the information it wants to give you so you will think it has expertly crafted this twisty masterpiece, but really it is a bunch of bullshit. It’s … Continue reading Devil

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Jules

John Stark

Where I Watched It: iTunes English Audio Description?: Yes Ben Kingsley top lines this movie destined for the AARP Awards this year. When a curmudgeonly man (Kingsley), with a set routine, and a concerned daughter, finds a spaceship crash landed in his backyard, he does the only thing logical. He befriends the little tyke, and lets him into his house. Even though there are no communication pathways, these two seem to find ways of understanding each other. The alien, who becomes known as… well I’ll let you guess… enjoys apples and just often sitting and staring at his surroundings. Things … Continue reading Jules

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Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse

John Stark

Where I Watched it: iTunes (it’s also on Netflix) English Audio Description Provided By The Media Access Group Narrated By Inger Tudor. What seems like a lifetime ago, I did go to the theatres to watch the first Miles Morales entry. I was pleasantly surprised. Then, they made a sequel, and I had the displeasure of watching it after everyone went absolutely nuts over this. It’s not that it’s bad, but the internet can really oversell a film. That’s not to say the movie is bad, it’s just as good as the first one. Now that we know about multiverses … Continue reading Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse

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Cargo

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Netflix English Audio Description?: Yes Description Provided By?: This was released when Netflix didn’t understand the value of crediting the audio description team. Meanwhile, in the actual credits to the film, we get everyone from drivers, caterers, and personal assistants, because studios recognize everyone. This highlights a major problem our industry isn’t ready to discuss. Don’t watch this film. Are you a fan of Martin Freeman? Did you not know this film existed until just now? Good. Pretend it doesn’t, and then just don’t watch it. Cargo was one film that I just never watched until … Continue reading Cargo