Category: Movie Review

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Pet Sematary: Bloodline

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Paramount Plus English Audio Description?: Yes All of this Pet Sematary build up has led to this moment. The moment when Paramount wisely chose not to send this prequel to theatres, and instead dump it on their streaming service. I have poked fun at previous iterations, but Bloodline is truthfully the worst in the series. It does have some talented cast members pop up, sadly not in the leading roles, and is somewhat based on the lore created by the stories Judd tells in both Pet Sematary films. It is just really dull. That’s not to … Continue reading Pet Sematary: Bloodline

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Pet Sematary (2019)

John Stark

Where I Watched It: Paramount Plus English Audio Description?: Yes It’s not that 80’s horror is bad, but more like some directors actually learn from what came before. Case in point would be the Pet Sematary remake, which avoids a lot of the mistakes Mary lambert made when she directed the original film. It’s clear that even though this movie makes a few very different changes, it still is tied down to the same tired King bullshit that still never belonged in this franchise. Yes, we have a doctor moving to town (Jason Clarke), and he lives too close to … Continue reading Pet Sematary (2019)

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Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

John Stark

Where I Watched It: MAX English Audio Description?: Yes Guess who’s back? Back again. Mary Lambert is back. Kill your pets. Granted, in 1989, Rotten Tomatoes, Letterboxed, and IMDB didn’t exist. There was no real way for you to find out what your critics thought about a movie except what film studios used in their ads, or to read a newspaper or magazine. Aggregating would be next to impossible to do, but still, the studio kept Lambert on for the sequel. They did jettison Stephen King, because he never wrote a book called Pet Sematary 2. So, the same people … Continue reading Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

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Pet Sematary (1989)

John Stark

Where I Watched It: MAX English Audio Description?: Yes As we all know, every Stephen king book-to-film adaptation has been truly flawless. All are classics. Ride The bullet is probably the best of them all. This was my first time watching Pet Sematary in its totality, though I feel like I definitely did the thing we do as kids when the cable edit of a film like this shows up, and we watch a few minutes of something so we can say we saw it. Fake bravery. Honestly? It’s not really that scary, unless you are afraid of poor directorial … Continue reading Pet Sematary (1989)

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Hellfest

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Tubi English Audio Description?: Yes Narrated By: William Michael Redmond Around these here parts, we have plenty of these events like the one at the center of Hellfest. Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights brings people in droves. So, I kind of used that as a measuring tool for how this film is set up. The movie opens with our random opening kill. Someone has to die, and it might as well be a poorly developed character. So now we know there is a killer, so we can learn more about our core cast, right? Not so much. … Continue reading Hellfest

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Heist 88

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Paramount Plus English Audio Description?: Yes Courtney B Vance, who never seems to get to top line anything, stars in this Showtime original movie inspired by a real bank heist that involved no storming the vault with guns. They just did this at a time long before computer programs and algorithms ran everything, and hijacked some bank transfers. it’s designed to be sleek like Ocean’s Eleven, and perhaps under different circumstances, it might have been. But, there are choices made that keep heist 88 from being an underrated gem. We learn a bit too much up … Continue reading Heist 88

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Backcountry

John Stark

Where I Watched It: AMC Plus English Audio Description?: no I think I’ve seen this movie somewhere else with audio description before, but when it floated onto AMC Plus (likely through Shudder), I figured I’d see what’s up. It’s an independent survival thriller where people decide to go camping when they know very little about it and have zero survival instincts. These films would be far more entertaining with survivalists as protagonists. But, it’s basically pointless without audio description. Not that there’s a ton of dialogue, but there is some. That’s really all you get. That plus some sound effects … Continue reading Backcountry

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Winnie The Pooh: Blood And honey

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Peacock English Audio Description?: Yes. Yes. This movie has audio description. The list of classic films and television shows that can’t get audio description is massive, but slap Winnie The Pooh into a low budget slasher and suddenly, audio description. Maybe we need to add Winnie The Pooh into more things we want to see audio described. Someone has over 10K signatures to get audio description on Gilmore Girls over at Netflix. Perhaps if it was Winnie The Pooh and Gilmore Girls, it would. or, the other option… Gilmore Girls: Blood and Honey. There’s a loose … Continue reading Winnie The Pooh: Blood And honey

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Reptile

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Netflix English Audio Description Provided By International Digital Center Narrated By Frankie Corso Written By Dakota Green I’m not a fan of the excuse that something is a slow burn, so that’s why we should forgive the film. Any film being discussed by critics shouldn’t get a pass for feeling longer than it should, or dragging, by simply calling it a slow burn. It’s this overused term, but if the payoff isn’t at the end of the film, then the film fizzled and burnt to nothing. Arguably, that is where Reptile lands. It’s not that Reptile … Continue reading Reptile

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Meg 2: The Trench

John Stark

Where I Watched it: MAX English Audio Description provided By: Deluxe Narrated By: Darren Rivets and Julia Smith We have learned nothing from the Jaws sequels. Don’t overthink the plot. And for some reason, this script feels like it was written by ten different people all very high on various drugs, who were given 24 hours to write the script for this film. I am all about bucking the trend against establishment critics and film snobs, but meg 2 is subjectively terrible. The first film was entertaining enough. Giant sharks with no predators escape their underground domain, and create a … Continue reading Meg 2: The Trench

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Flora and Son

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Apple Plus English Audio Description?: Yes I would like to first state that John Carney clearly is beating us over the head with the power of music. I’d love to see him direct an honest to God musical, in the most truest sense instead of these films about musicians playing music that matters. I really wonder if his love of music could resonate in a musical adaptation of something headed to the big screen. Perhaps Spring Awakening would be up his alley? Flora and Son is my least favorite John Carney film, but for the guy … Continue reading Flora and Son

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Cassandro

John Stark

Where I Watched It: Amazon English Audio Description provided By: Media Access Group Narrated By: Brianna Leon I’m not a wrestling guy. I can name the wrestlers who have crossed over into film, but beyond that, I don’t watch any wrestling. That also goes for the Luchadors. I barely understand conceptually what the WWE is going for, and the extent of my knowledge of these masked Mexican wrestlers is limited to Nacho Libre. So, perhaps the biopic about a Mexican icon wasn’t aimed at me. It’s quite possible I slid into the wrong film. But, one thing seems to always … Continue reading Cassandro

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Teenage Mutant ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Paramount plus English Audio Description?: Yes Last year, Netflix dropped Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. i grew up with these Turtles. Big time. My mom took me to a convention where I got a graphic novel signed by Eastman and laird. I had the Turtle Van, as well as well as the Sewer set. I had all the turtles, and actually even multiple versions, as well as all the major supporting players, and other mutants. I loved watching the cartoon, and had some VHS tapes. And I definitely saw all three of those original … Continue reading Teenage Mutant ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

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Spy Kids: Armageddon

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Netflix English Audio Description Provided By: XTrax Written By Mary Morrison Narrated By: Gloria Deleon For the record, I wasn’t a kid for the first Spy Kids film. So, this isn’t a case of anyone feeling like their childhood can’t be messed with, remade, or rebooted. And in the same year with Hypnotic, we already have seen a Robert Rodriguez joint this year, and the state of Troublemaker is clearly not great. He’s now remaking his own franchise, but for Netflix, with no intention of a theatrical release. Aside from the kids, the cast that has … Continue reading Spy Kids: Armageddon

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No One Will Save You

John Stark

Where I Watched it: Hulu English Audio Description Provided By: Descriptive Video Works Narrated By: Arran Henn Written By: Jeff Heck (I wrote the review first, and was provided the name of the writer after the review was posted, and I wanted to give credit.) It’s a shame that I can’t credit the writer of this audio description, since it basically is the core experience any blind or visually impaired user would encounter. Sure, Erin provides a rather fantastic voice for the piece, but it’s the written script and how detailed it is that makes or breaks a film with … Continue reading No One Will Save You