Starring: Nicolas Cage, Cassi Thomson, Chad Michael Murray, Nicki Whelan, Jordin Sparks, Lea Thompson
Directed By: Vic Armstrong

I can evaluate Left Behind as a film, and not some prophetic piece of work. I don’t think this film is complete crap because of its morals or Christian values, rather it is just a poorly made film. When Chad Michael Murray is the best actor in the whole film, you’ve got a problem.

The story revolves around Chloe (Thomson), who has just returned home to the smallest airport in New York City that has almost no one in it. She meets Chad Michael Murray, who is playing some sort of journalistic reporter who immediately gets bombarded by a religious fanatic. She also meets up with her dad (Cage), who is an airline pilot. It’s his birthday, and she flew in to surprise him, but he’s flying off to London to bang a stewardess (Whelan)… but he loves his Christian wife (Thompson). Skipping ahead… the rapture happens… and people are sucked up to heaven. Mostly, children. This film could also be called “where the fuck did all the children go?” The disappearance of Chloe’s little brother (he was raptured) sends her on one of the dumbest search and rescue missions ever. She was LITERALLY HOLDING HIM when he’s raptured, and she runs around looking for him, calling his phone, calling home, smashing a window at a hospital to see if he’s inside, etc. She becomes one of the dumbest female characters in a matter of seconds. She’s also a terrible actress… which I was going to bring up later, but we’ll just go ahead and get that out of the way.

So the rapture affects the plane that Cage is flying, and he loses his copilot. Also, all the kids on the plane disappear, which sends Jordin Sparks into “I’m also an idiot” mode, as she believes that everyone on the plane is in some conspiracy and they took her child from her. No, Jordin. That would be Flightplan, and it’s a much better film than this one. This film features Nic Cage trying to look like he knows how to fly a plane, and the screenwriters coming up with a creative way of how he could possibly need fuel.

It’s really a terrible film, and that’s even if you don’t break down the absurdity of what’s happening. Everyone left behind is such a non-believer, that it takes a fucking lifetime for someone, ANYONE to go “Hey, maybe that rapture thing we’ve heard about… maybe that just happened.” Jordin Sparks literally believed that she was in the movie Flightplan before the Rapture. There’s an asian guy who thinks it was aliens. Chloe is too stupid to figure it out, even though SHE WAS HOLDING HER BROTHER WHEN HE WAS RAPTURED. Unless your brother is Nightcrawler, you need to stop looking for him.

The acting across the board is awful. Nicolas Cage looks like he needs to take a really large crap throughout the entire movie. Super constipated. The visual effects are awful. The script is terrible. The characters are so bad that I think a subplot about the rapture is that God leaves all the stupid people behind. Basically, the rapture is going to be the kids, smart people, and some random selection of Christians. As you learn in the film, you have to REALLY REALLY believe, as a pastor who is left behind says that he only kinda sorta believed, but he just didn’t give it 100%.

Again, not debating the religion behind it all (except maybe a little). It’s just a terrible film, whether you’re a believer or a non believer. If Christians want people to take their films seriously, they need better actors, writers, and director (Heaven Is For Real). This was just awful. I can’t wait to get the Riff Trax to it.

FINAL GRADE: F