Where I Watched It: Apple Plus

English Audio Description?: Yes

Like most Americans who lived through the 90’s, I’m guilty of fads. Hell, even the 80’s. I’m not really sure at what point slap bracelets were a thing, but when they were, everyone had them. I had a Tamagotchi, even though it pooped a lot. I had Pogs even though no one really ever seemed to want to play or trade them. It was like everyone had them, but we didn’t know why we had them. And of course, I had Beanie Babies. i even had a couple from the happy meal craze, which really should be its own movie altogether. The thing is, i bought them because i liked them, like any other toy. I didn’t buy toys as collector investments, but for fun. i even did the sacreiligious thing of removing the tag. That’s what you do. Who keeps tags on things they’re playing with?

So I was very much here for the new nostalgia grab that is The Beanie bubble, which follows in a long line of fad movies like Air, Tetris, and BlackBerry. I half wish that this new Ninja Turtles movie wasn’t another adaptation, but instead an exploration of all the kids who loved the Turtles. There’s a meta idea for you. Next ninja Turtles movie, find a way to turn four kids who love the Turtles into the actual turtles. I’m not sure how to do that, but isn’t that why studios want to employ ChatGBT? I’m sure it will write a banger of a screenplay. Kidding.

I was underwhelmed. i love Air, and i really enjoyed Tetris, but The beanie bubble can never really get over some critical failures of first time writer/directors. It’s tough to make that investment and allow someone to adapt their own script, but to have a husband/wife team certainly is it’s own original set of challenges. Nobody agrees on everything. And this film, it’s problematic from the set up.

The casting of Zach Galafanakis doesn’t work. I love him as an actor in general, and I’ve seen him do some interesting things in supporting roles, like It’s Kind Of A Funny Story. But he lacks what is needed from Ty, which is this inflated self worth, that somehow is still likable enough that these people follow him. he also has to be mean and nasty at times, and that’s just not something he’s good at. he’s also weak in the romantic connection between him and Sarah Snook, even if she’s fantastic, and has even less chemistry with Elizabeth banks. He’s the center of the film, and nothing about his performance really worked for me, but i don’t think it was for a lack of trying. He’s just miscast. There are little moments where a scene seems to align with what he’s trying to do, and he has a brief encounter with brilliance, but those are so sporadic.

The film also suffers from a three narrator structure, and a thousand timeline jumps as a result. This is all over the place, and I’m not sure why. Was this the best use of storytelling? Air manages to tell a linear story, and maybe that seems boring, but you don’t have to just do something crazy for the sake of it. If it’s not making the movie better, then you really need to answer why you are choosing this process, which I don’t believe the film ever did.

Lastly, while I don’t mean to diminish the real life contributions any of these women made, it feels so weird that they’re all on the same playing field as narrators, because each thing they brought was so totally different. Two of the three were in a relationship with Ty, making it weird that the other one is trying to equate her experience especially considering she apparently was never even harassed by Ty.

The real core victim that will get the audience is the payoff by following Sarah Snook’s storyline. not only is she the strongest and most relatable performance, but what Ty does to her daughter is what rocks the core of the film. It’s up there with one of the biggest all time dick moves, and when people watch this, it’s possible that one very specific Beanie baby might actually be worth something, as people realize the significance.

The audio description here was rather average. There is a lot of dialogue happening, and while it did seem to keep up with the annoying amount of narrative and time swaps, I could have used more description of things like the giant mansion Ty was building, and even the concept of a Beanie Baby. i think the narration assumes everyone has seen or held one, but that’s not really true. if you were little at the end of the 90’s, and didn’t have them, you might be in your early 20’s right now, and without a good description of these things other than calling them “understuffed”, I’m not sure you’d understand the craze. Somewhere in my house are a fox, a skunk, a dolphin, and some others that remind me of those days, but sometimes you really need to sell why something was a phenomenon to those who might not have understood the craze.

i was really looking forward to this, and it is eligible for the Oscars, it just won’t get any nominations. This was playing theatrically near me, so it has met the threshold for this year. just don’t expect this to follow Air to the Oscars.

Final Grade: C