Indiana Jones inspired many kids to crack a whip, take up archeology, and for a few, they were inspired to make movies. Some even made a low budget shot for shot remake of Raiders Of The Lost Ark. We love our adventurers, who set out to follow a trail of clues to lead to treasure we know ultimately won’t be worth the price. Romancing The Stone, National Treasure, Tomb Raider, Uncharted, and The Mummy all celebrate this in obvious ways, but even more broadly, this extends to the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise, personality traits for Star Lord, kids offerings like Treasure Planet and The Road To El dorado, and yet this is constantly a su genre where people lament they don’t make em like they used to. For Guy Ritchie, who has already had characters following clues (Sherlock Holmes) and seeking treasure (Aladdin), this should be in his lane, right?

The thing about Guy Ritchie is that we all fell for his frenetic style of directing early on with Lock Stock and two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, and that specific vibe he put into his films couldn’t really be replicated. Matthew Vaughn certainly has tried, but it still feels inspired by, and not done by Ritchie. More recently, Guy Ritchie has stopped using his traditional stylistic approaches and made himself more accessible. He’s watered down his image, so you can sit down and watch The Covenant, Aladdin, or Foutain Of Youth without any knowledge he is in the directors chair. this film lacks so much style it could have just as easily been directed by Brett Ratner.

Fountain Of Youth has drafted a recognizable and likeable cast for what I’m certain was an inflated budget globe trotting event. john Krasinski stars as half of a brother/sister duo, who is trying to follow in his father’s (Stanley Tucci) footsteps, believing his dad knew where the fountain of youth is. His sister is more no nonsense, but of course gets swept up in this, and I’m not sure what Natalie Portman saw in this role. She’s fine, but her role isn’t written well enough for her many talents, and she remains largely a one note character. Krasinski on the other hand, who has shown range in Jack Ryan and A Quiet Place, is stuck in a role that feels written for Chris Pratt. he’s almost too goofy, and instead of balancing his action lead status with humor, like Brendan Fraser does so well in The Mummy, he almost feels like he’s not just our hero, but also our comic relief. It doesn’t fit him.

What does work, is Issa Gonzalez, who plays a good/bad character, who sometimes wants to kill Krasinski, and other times has this fiery chemistry. He doesn’t really have nearly as much chemistry with her, as she does with him, but she continues to prove that she’s a reliable rising talent capable of stealing a film that isn’t even designed for her to steal. if our new bond needs a scene partner, i hope they draft Gonzalez, because she’s proven herself more than adept at pretty much everything.

Ritchie used to have a really strong sense of score that supports his vision, but here he mostly recycles the most obvious classical music tracks we’ve heard in hundreds of other films. there’s nothing that defines this film, nor is there anything that particularly keeps me engaged. Recently, I sat through the pilot episode to Amazon’s Motorheads, which featured about 20 songs pulled right off the radio. It didn’t do anything really to support the series and its individuality, but it just is there to show how cool it thinks it is. this is that. Ritchie uses his budget to shoot in real locations, and have massive visual effects like lifting the wreckage of a ship off the bottom of the ocean.

The supporting cast is fine, though none of them really have much to do as a standout. Portman’s character has a son, who is just out of place, but reminiscent of the Mummy returns adding a kid, and I believe even The legend Of Zorro. It is usually saved for sequels, but this is a brother and sister duo who can’t make that happen, nor do I expect Apple to commission a sequel.

mostly, I did like the audio description. there was a moment where a supporting character (Abass) has his name pronounced by Natalie Portman, and then the audio description track says fuck it and does something else. I’d be lying if I said that was the first occurrence, but it did put me in a bit of a spiral of this thing that should be getting hit in quality checks, and being solved. The Walking Dead: Dead City has a character all during Season 1 tht the narrator is physically incapable of pronouncing correctly, despite several characters consistently pronouncing it the same way.

this is not a bad film, but it also isn’t a good one. it does have a wealth of potential, but in its desire to be as inoffensive and accessible as possible, the film ends up never realizing its potential. the Mummy and Pirates leaned a little into horror. Romancing The Stone and Indiana Jones had some romance. Tomb Raider showed a capable female, uncharted highlighted a film that didn’t need romance to thrive, and each film brought something. This brings an amalgamation of previous ideas from other liken minded films together, strips it of finesse, and homogenizes it into a film you’ll be wondering if you saw this already, even though it just came out.

Rotten: Final Grade: 5.2/10 Audio Description: B