Disclaimer: I’m a blind film critic.

I don’t get excited to write scathing reviews, but there is an exception to that rule. today, we shall tumble down the broken staircase that is Merry Little Mystery, what Roku has decided to package together for us for the holidays. As Dana Carvey’s Church Lady would say… “Well, isn’t that special.”

I actually did select this with full optimism. I’m an American Idol junkie, and by proxy, a Jordon Sparks fan. I still do not know the question of how I am supposed to live with no air. But Jordon, who needs an entirely new team around her, is trapped in one of those cookie cutter Hallmark knockoffs, that is mining Christmas to death. here, she plays a young woman who returns home to her Grandmother, in time for the holidays. There’s a little journalist (Keon Alexander) who has taken to finding out which person in this hamlet of theirs has taken to being a secret Santa of sorts. Who dares do good deeds while not requiring recognition! the audacity! After Jordon rebuffs his nonsense, her grandmother informs her the secret is her Grandfather, and since he has died recently, he has bestowed this responsibility to Jordon. Oh no! But, how will she complete this task with a snooping gumshoe on the case?

This film also stars Wal-Mart. it is a valid statement, and one I consider part of this presentation. Roku is ad supported, so the whole film is sponsored by Wal-Mart, who instead of just running limited commercial interruptions about rolling back, have actually filmed a series of interstitials with two of the most insufferable people they could find. this isn’t dinner and a movie, where you learn to cook. these two offer nothing except the semblance of human connection. They exist for the kind of deeply lonely people who aren’t just using AI chatbots, but would consider themselves in a relationship with one.

And to make exhaustive matters worse, this film actually has met the legal requirement of audio description. the problem is, it is balanced so poorly that it runs at a nearly inaudible level under the film. I blame everyone, Roku and whoever made the track. Roku for allowing this offensive dumpster fire of accessibility to exist, and the laziness of an audio description company to not check on their product they made for a free streaming service. I can understand when money changes hands, and you have to buy a DVD, or have a Netflix subscription, but if you make a track for a Tubi or Roku original, and can’t check to make sure the thing you made is mixed properly in its final stage, that’s just lazy.

the movie is below mediocre as is, but between god awful description, and obnoxious Wal-Mart influencers, I weep for Jordon Sparks. the mystery that needs to be solved here isn’t who the Santa is, but how we got here in the first place.

Jordon Sparks fends off her co-star, wal-Mart, who has sponsored the film in a grating and useless manner, and Roku has allowed the audio description for this to run at zero decibels. I fear the mystery here has nothing to do with Christmas.

Rotten: 3.3/10