Disclaimer: I’m a blind film critic. How are they supposed to learn how to read if they can’t even fit inside the building?

Jordan Peele needs to protect his brand better. After successfully entertaining audiences with three features of his own, Get Out, Us, and Nope, he has also lent his Monkey Paw label to some films that aren’t quite his thing, but not dreadful. This qualifies Candyman and Monkey Man. I have no idea what he saw in this film, why he’s producing, and why he didn’t assert some creative control when it was clear this was going to result in a safety.

Him follows an up and coming quarterback, Cameron (Tariq Withers), who seems to have the world in front of him. he grew up watching a legendary quarterback, Isaiah (Marlon Wayans), who got sidelined after a brutal injury. Cameron is going to suffer his own injury, in the dumbest way possible. This film is all about religious allusions, and instead of developing characters with actual personalities, it prefers to just have people that things happen to. I’ll keep it spoiler free, but in football terms, this was easily the first down.

Then, after Cameron suffers his injury, which apparently would take a while to heal from, he’s then immediately out on the field because he’s got to make that money. He has a predictably terrible game, and there are rumors about a comeback for Isiah. Just for reference, Withers is 27, Wayans is 53. The fact anyone would even have the audacity to suggest, means that there’s no care about establishing a world of football. It’s like there are only two players, and nothing else is even worth discussing. This would be as silly as having a rookie NFL quarterback, and watching them stumble, and all anyone can talk about is will this lead to the return of Peyton Manning (49). I don’t know, probably not? I’d assume there has to be someone else. Second down.

Cameron then gets to meet his idol, and it holds up. Never meet your heroes. He gets to rehab with all of Isiah’s equipment, and wild ideas about training. he has a doctor on staff, Marco (inexplicably played by Jim Jeffries), and he’s got a hot wife/influencer. There are other people, no one matters. The movie can’t decide if it wants to be homoerotic, so it plays it both ways, in a scene where Cameron is asked to strip to be weighed, then gaslit into believing that’s not really what happened.

Later, Cameron will play football with a bunch of non-drafted players, who I guess hope a good word from the only player anyone talks about will get them into the league, if they put up with his bullshit. The problem is, the film just keeps pressing forward with characters you barely know or recognize, who have thin reasons for doing anything, and all while hiding behind religious subtext.

A scene between Cameron and Isaiah’s wife doesn’t work, and instead of trying to fix it, Isaiah’s joining makes it somehow worse. Third down? Fourth? I lost touch.

In a Hail Mary, the film chooses to lose its absolute mind at the end, and still make no sense. This script feels like it was intentionally crafted to drive an audience insane, not because the film is good, but because it is one of the oddest, most confusing films, that barely explains itself, and has characters that seem to operate as if they are the only people in the world worth caring about, yet we know nothing about them. Cameron has this weird tie in to his father, but we spend almost no time with the father character.

If I ahve to be nice, I’ll bounce back and say this isn’t the worst film of the year. it is at least interesting, if even for the wrong reasons, like Megalopolis. It holds your attention for being baffling, and I can’t directly fault an actor here, considering the script was broken from day one. Even the directorial choices could show promise, but director Justin Tipping doesn’t fix the film. I’m sure he thought he did a bang up job. I’m sure Peele did too. Sometimes, being insulated means you can’t see the forest for the trees.

The audio description was good, and I think that was Adrienne Barbeau narrating. She has a nice mysterious quality for horror films. It adds a level of unease to the proceedings, which will have you at least uncomfortable at some point, though perhaps not for the right reasons.

The Monkey’s Paw curse is starting to show in this hodgepodge of ideas caked in religious pretext, but whose characters ultimately never made it past the defensive lineman. One of the worst screenplays of the year.

Rotten: 3.1/10