Disclaimer: I’m a blind film critic. This film has audio description available.

Remember when we were at peak Marie Condo? She helped hoarders get rid of unnecessary crap. “Does it spark joy?” Well, based on that metric, no, this does not. It did not spark joy. Ozgood Perkins, whose career truly took off with the bizarre and creepy Long Legs, managed to push out two films in 2025, with the first being an over the top adaptation of a Stephen King story in The Monkey, and the latter being this.

Tatiana Maslany, who Ivan only assume fired her agent after this, stars in this as a woman who spends some time in a cabin in the woods. things go awry, as they often do in horror films, and Perkins shoots for the kind of bizarre ending that is impossible to forget. The problem is, that when you go strictly for pushing boundaries, or trying to gross out your audience, you lose sight of the actual plot. I have so many notes for Perkins. Join me in a somewhat spoilery rant.

Why would you open with the hint of other women having this same experience? Give this to a more competent editor, who understands that pacing is part of the payoff, and cut out the first few minutes. Instead, start with our romantic couple heading to a cabin in the woods. then, from there, build your mood. One of the things Perkins is good at is keeping tension and being unafraid of payoff. I loved how certain scenes in Long Legs would be framed and shot, to make us believe a jump scare is coming, and it doesn’t. He has a few of those moments here, but they are far more suggestive. Instead, we see something, but nothing tremendously scary happens. It did lead to some fun audio description.

Also, and sorry for the spoiler, but I never believed the boyfriend wasn’t a part of the problem. They try and bamboozle you by having his brother swing by, and his brother has the kind of energy that suggest he and Roman on Succession party hard on the weekends. They even give him this arm candy that screams a mixture of hooker or “help me I’m being sex trafficked”. Perkins believes that by making the brother more of an ass,it will contrast enough. It doesn’t.

the fucking cake. there’s this nonsensical cake on the table. He keeps trying to get her to eat it, and he says it is chocolate (it isn’t). she explicitly says she doesn’t like chocolate. Then, for some reason, she eats a piece, even though her boyfriend doesn’t. If it is so good, why aren’t you eating it? Why aren’t you at bare minimum preparing a slice for yourself, or licking some icing. Something. Anything to suggest you are a normal boyfriend? the film thinks because he’s cute, or somewhat mild mannered we can be lulled into acceptance. No.

And then the ending, which I’ll spare you. It certainly is something to talk about, but then again if the bathroom toilet overflows and pumps sewage into your house, that also gives you something to talk about. I don’t know why Ozgood Perkins, who made two decent movies, decided to adopt this travesty. No joy was sparked in the making of this film.

Keeper? I hardly know her. A film so tragically misguided the only thing you can do is return it to sender.

Rotten: 3.3/10