This was certainly the most Star Trek I’ve watched since Picard. While I’ve dabbled in all the Paramount Plus offerings, every show ends up losing my interest along the way. At least that wasn’t tru of Starfleet Academy, a show that lost me at the beginning. Critics have praised the show for being radically different, and I’m often on that train as well, because I’d rather watch something take a risk, and fail, than watch something so derivative and yet somehow so awful.So, a film like Joker Folie Aux Deux might not be good, but it certainly was a big swing, and I appreciated it for that. This isn’t a big swing, like critics think it is. It’s just one more desperate extension trying to reach a specific demographic they believe they can reach, and haven’t yet.

Look at the slate of Paramount Plus Star Trek originals. Discovery offered the possibility of more of the same, then Picard tried to rope in Next Generation fans with nostalgia bait and characters we hadn’t seen in a while. Following that, they took two big swings, Lower Decks, which made an adult animation version, trying to appeal to that audience, and Prodigy tried to get the kids on board. Strange New Worlds went for a revisionist take, bringing us back to the beginning (kinda), and Starfleet Academy is unabashedly trying to attract a 15-25 year old audience. This is the audience that currently powers shows like The Summer I Turned Pretty, XO Kitty, Ginny and Georgia, My Life With The Walter Boys, and to some extent, Stranger Things.

The CW presents Star Trek is basically what this is. Each episode should end with a wrap up snarky comment from Kristen Bell and an XOXO Gossip Girl. Some trolls try to attack this show on diversity alone, but if you do that, then you are saying that you believe it to be the sole reason of failure, and that if you were to recast this with a gaggle of cisgender straight white men, that somehow all the problems would go away. They won’t. The show is just the least interesting way to do Star Trek. It is teaching kids how to Star Trek, like a school to go boldly where the adults get to go.

As with most young adult things, we get to watch them start from scratch. Caleb is like our Harry Potter, destined for greatness, and missing his parents. He will have a found family as a few other cadets rise to the top. Genesis is like a Hermione Granger. Smart and destined for greatness, and her parentage comes up during the season. There’s also JayDen, the Klingon that Caleb rooms with, who is sensitive. For all intents and purposes, he’s a bit like if Ron and Nevill merged. Sam is a hologram, and she’s really smart, but also has a hard time fitting in. She’s basically a Luna. Darren is the one that butts heads with Caleb, so he’s like a Draco, if Draco had been given a solid redemption arc. Then, Caleb is going to fall in love, so of course, we’ve got a Cho Chang here as well. Yeah, I just Harry Pottered the damn thing.

And for the grown ups, they went out and got some big names. Holly Hunter, Paul Giamatti, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Tatiana Maslany, Stephen Colbert, Tig Notaro, and ODed Fehr. They wanted to make sure they could pull in any age demographic. I suppose there’s some charm in the concept, but the problem is that this is not from someone who has proven themselves in young adult science fiction, but rather the same showrunners that have been navigating every other Paramount Plus Star Trek series to short term runs.

But John! You’re wrong. It already got picked up for a second season. Yeah, of course it did, and not as a reaction to the glowing reception from fans, or strong ratings. It had the early renewal before the thing even premiered. Before we had to sit through drama class, prank wars, weddings, vacations, and anything the cast of Saved By the bell would have done. Except, this is Saved By The Bell: Sci-Fi Cast, so instead of catching waves, or hanging out at The Max, we now have a futuristic world they can engage in. Caleb is as much Harry Potter as he is Zach Morris. He’s an Everyman teenager, designed to be just rebellious enough, charming enough, smart enough, caring enough, that he checks every box somehow. he can hack a system and throw a punch. he can hate Starfleet, and work with them. he can be a loyal friend, and also a lover. Caleb is so interchangeably everything, that it is nearly impossible to not like him.

My money the whole time was on Paul Giamatti, who clearly understood the assignment. While other actors thought they were on a serious and well written Star Trek, Giamatti is hamming up the performance of a lifetime. He’s chewing every scene, ferociously spitting out every monologue, and dancing around like a giddy child on Christmas morning. If you’re on the fence, Giamatti is the best reason to watch, even if nothing he says or does makes a damn bit of sense. When you consider where he starts, as a low level smuggler, and where he ends, as someone capable of nearly destroying the entire universe, he has one hell of a learning curve. His backstory doesn’t even make sense. He has two stories about his father that don’t even align.

I watched every episode, and without even flinching, I can say this is easily the worst Star Trek, and part of a concerted effort to make shows dumber so audiences whose IQ’s dropped somewhere between a Housewife, Kardashian, and Mormon Wives, can be pulled back into scripted series. Shows like this, Alls Fair,The Copenhagen Test, and more seem to keep dropping the target IQ, hoping to reel back in a generation that has been glued to their phone, and assimilated into short form content and reality programming. it shows. Despite what some will tell you, woke didn’t kill Star Trek, our continued desire to love things that require no attention span, and have nothing of substance to offer, is now affecting scripted programming as streamers scramble to compete with reality stars and influencers.

No one should be proud of the show. The audio description from Media access Group is probably just fine, though as a casual Star Trek fan, I did feel like there were some alien races I could have used more depth in. I can kind of give the racial/ethnic description a pass, since we’re onto alien races instead, but I still had so many questions. Sam was a big question mark, as sometimes a cadet would put their arm around her, but most of the time it was clear she had no physical form whatsoever.

I’d consider watching a second season only if Giamatti is returning. His over the top performance is the stuff of legend. I didn’t think he could be that silly, but for what little he was allowed to do as Rhino in the Amazing Spider-Man 2, he clearly wanted more of that kind of work. No Oscars or Emmys here, and of the entire cast, I think he knew it.

Starfleet Academy isn’t really a gamble, it’s just drivel, poorly conceived in an effort to meet an audience Star Trek doesn’t have where it assumes they are. Paul Giamatti seems to be the only one aware of what show he was on.

Rotten: 3.1/10