Fifty Shades Of Grey

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Jennifer Ehle, Victor Rasuk, Luke Grimes, Marcia Gay Harden, Max Martini
Directed By: Sam Taylor Johnson

Well, that was silly.

First of all, do I believe that this film glorifies violence against women? No, one of the many things it does do is establish that Christian Grey explicitly asks for her permission, asks her to sign a contract, asks her repeatedly if she wants to stop, etc. Sure, it may not be your type of thing, but BDSM and Dominant/Submissive relationships are part of the sexual social structure. And honestly, all my problems with this film have very little to do with Mr. Grey’s sexual preferences.

From the first moment, near the beginning of the film, Anastasia Steele (Johnson) forces a pencil eraser into her mouth. It’s literally the most uncomfortable thing to watch. She shoves the pencil into her mouth as if the director was flagging her down off camera going “You’re forgetting the pencil!” Clearly Johnson doesn’t chew on pencils. Her oral fixation continues throughout the movie with her persistent lip biting for NO REASON AT ALL. She first bites her lip in the opening frame, while looking at herself in the mirror. Does she get turned on by checking herself out in the mirror? Seriously?

Anyway, she falls head over heels for Christian Grey, a man with absolutely no personality whatsoever. The only thing he’s got going for him is that he’s attractive. He’s not really witty, or funny, and he’s only kind of nice to her. In their second meeting, he buys several items she recognizes as items a serial killer would want to purchase. Never mind that clearly Jamie Dornan realizes how incredibly shitty this script is. There are some moments where he looks like he’s about to burst out laughing. I can’t blame him. The dialogue? It’s pretty bad.

If you’re a woman, and you were excited about Fifty Shades Of Grey, let me be perfectly clear. No Dick For You. That’s right, ladies. Jamie Dornan’s penis doesn’t make an appearance, which is pretty crazy considering Dakota Johnson’s bare breasts are flaunted in a film targeted mostly at women.

So, if you want to watch a romantic drama with two characters who have little to no character development, and questionable acting, and an awful script, then this film is for you! Sadly, I know better, and I know this won’t be the worst film I’ve seen this year. It probably won’t even come close. It wasn’t painful to watch, it was just incredibly silly.

FINAL GRADE: D+

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