Starring: Henry Goulding.

Directed By: Robert Schwentke

Where I Watched It: Paramount Plus

English Audio Description Available?: Yes

The Plot: Someone at Hasbro thinks they can start a cinematic universe, and we now have our third GI JOE movie with a brand new set of characters and actors, only most of these actors you’ve never heard of, and this plot takes the one member of GI Joe most known for never talking, and has him talk the entire film as he tries to avenge his father’s death, while training to be a ninja, fighting Anacondas, and having brief encounters with GI Joe and Cobra.

What Works: I’m a big GI JOE fan, and basically that’s the entire reason I didn’t give this film a failing grade. Because of the IP. Not because the film is any good.

What Doesn’t Work: Everything. From now on, we’ve learned that whenever a franchise decides that they think they deserve a cinematic universe, so you start getting that “Origins” title, it will obviously be terrible, and not replayed at all to the origin story laid out in any previous format. C-Men Origins: Wolverine was awful, but this is worse. At least the other had a decent Wolverine, this puts the charming and attractive Henry Goulding in a role where Ray Park excelled because he didn’t need to take off his mask, nor did he need to speak.

I hated everything about this film. The plot, the dialogue, the obvious progression of the storyline, asking me to care about things I didn’t care about, characters I didn’t care about, shoehorning other franchise characters in here just because, and fucking anacondas. In a movie where the primary villain is Cobra, why are there anacondas in this film? I got tired of characters calling him Snake, like it’s his first name, or this is a remake of Escape From New York, or even Metal Gear Solid.

you don’t want a 20 page reason list of every problem I had with this film. The first two GI Joe movies were not good, but they were watchable. i was enraged the entire time I had to sit through Snake Eyes. The film is dogshit. I heard it was bad, and i actually assumed those people were wrong, and i came into this with the open mind of being read to love this film, but it’s a dumpster fire. I can’t get around that.

And, they didn’t even give Snake Eyes a reason to not talk by the end of the film. In his various origins stories, he’s either had his vocal cord severed or taken a vow of silence, he does neither here. Clearly the intention, should this have launched a MCU for GIJOE, would be to have a talking Snake eyes, and to that, I just simply say fuck you. There are like 100 GI Joe characters, and he’s the only one known for silence. If you wanted to make a movie with a talking protagonist, pick a different character.

Could you imagine how great this might have been in if the team behind John Wick had come in and cast someone like Ray Park, put them in the Snake Eyes suit, still made a revenge movie, but with a ninja that never speaks? Those action sequences would have been a amazing. Instead, you get dogshit.

The Blind Perspective: It’s Ben a few days, and I’ve tried to find the narrators name. It’s not on ADNA, and the films I remember him doing, also aren’t on ADNA. So, I know I’ve heard that voice, and he’s one of my favorite narrators, and i hate that i don’t have his name memorized yet. The audio description for this is amazing. it’s what I always say, the worst movies have the best audio descriptions sometimes. I’ve seen great films with mediocre audio description, but it never fails that terrible movies have great audio description. I have no qualms with this. The fight sequences were well described, and it was easy to follow this film. of course, the film is stupid, so anyone can follow it.

Final Thoughts: For my YouTube Review, i pull out all my GI Joes, which i still own, and try and wave them at the camera while doing the review. i don’t know if that is seen on camera or not, you know, the whole blind thing, but I do know that the best version of a GI JOE movie is still the 80’s animated cartoon.

Final Grade: D- (that’s a D minus for anyone with a screen narrator that doesn’t catch the minus).