Recently, the internet got excited over a job posting that Netflix was paying people to watch Netflix all day, and tag things. Seems like a great job, right? Well, whoever is currently doing this job is either terrible at it, or they’re trying to send a message for help.

Because You Watched House Of Cards

Netflix recommends titles like It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Bob’s Burgers, Wilfred, Trailer Park Boys, Top Gear, Zoolander, The Venture Bros, Blue Mountain State, The League, The New Girl, Drinking Buddies, Archer, Battlestar Galactica, Hemlock Grove, Somm, Scrubs, and Friday Night Lights.

Netflix assumes that because I like a high stakes political drama, for which they correctly did recommend titles like Scandal, Luther, Mad Men, and Breaking Bad… that I will also like Zoolander.

ZOOLANDER. I could understand if it was at least a film starring Kevin Spacey. Or Robin Wright. It’s not. I can’t figure out why I would like Zoolander if I liked House Of Cards. Or Blue Mountain State, a frat boy comedy about a community college football team. Or Somm, a documentary about wine.

Netflix assumes a lot about your watching habits by making the large leap that because you enjoyed watching Kevin Spacey scheming on capitol hill, that you will also enjoy watching werewolves in their branded drama Hemlock Grove. It is purely suggested because it is another Netflix drama. Because… don’t you like all original Netflix dramas? Isn’t that why everyone is always talking about Lilyhammer?

Because You Watched Rescue Me

Netflix is assuming that because I liked FX’s drama about firefighters, that I will also like Mad Men, the drama that unfolds in an ad agency in the 60’s? Or Major League, a comedy that spoofs baseball movies? I’m not sure why I would enjoy Days Of Thunder, as a Rescue Me fan. Or Rules Of Engagement. Not even the Tommy Lee Jones movie. No. This is David Spade’s sitcom.

That’s right. They recommended a David Spade sitcom to people who watched Rescue Me.

And Emily Owens MD!? The failed CW dramedy? WAYNE’S WORLD? LAST MAN STANDING?

And look, there’s It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia again. Because three shows that couldn’t be more alike are It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Rescue Me, and House Of Cards. And they’ve also again recommended Trailer Park Boys, Scrubs, Wilfred, and the Netflix original Derek. Because Derek and Rescue Me are so much alike.

Because You Watched Mitt

Oh this should be fun. Because I watched Mitt, I’ll enjoy Inside Pixar, a documentary exploring the foundations of an animation studio. I’ll also enjoy Parks and Recreation, Jiro Dreams Of Sushi, Portlandia, The Office, a Morgan Murphy stand up special, Capote, and Glengarry Glenn Ross.

I was quite disappointed that they did not like It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia to Mitt.

Because You Watched The West Wing

I will also enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation. Two shows that couldn’t be more different. Somewhere, someone has been kidnapped and is being forced to watch Netflix, kinda like the character in Oldboy. The only hope he has of getting out, is if we notice how awful his recommendations are.

He’s also recommended Brothers and Sisters, The League, Scrubs (which seems to be just like every show), Alias, Portlandia, Somm, Eureka, Annie Hall, Derek, Star Trek Voyager, How I Met Your Mother, Queer As Folk, and Sense and Sensibility.

Sense and Sensibility. That’s a cry for help. Why hasn’t anyone investigated the closed doors at Netflix headquarters? Clearly… someone needs to be let out.

Because You Watched House MD

It aired on FOX, right? So you must love every show that ever aired on FOX. Right? Like Futurama, Family Guy, Bones, Bob’s Burgers, American Dad, Lie To Me, That 70’s Show, Prison Break, The X-Files, Arrested Development, Malcolm In The Middle, The Finder, The New Girl, Raising Hope, The Cleveland Show, and Fringe.

Then… because FX is basically FOX, we’ll add in Wilfred, Archer, and It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

And then just to fuck with you, we’ll just start rambling off bizarre shit, like Undercover Boss, Superntural, Discovery Channel Presents Doomsday Bunkers, Warehouse 13, Last Man Standing, Rules Of Engagement, Drop Dead Diva, Lost, The Boondocks, The Venture Bros, The Guild, Don’t Trust The Bitch In Apt. 23, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Don Jon (because why leave movies out).

If you’ve even seen a sampling of those shows, you’d understand how asinine this list is. Its like going to Blockbuster (RIP) and asking for Tinkerbell, and the store clerk hands you Evil Dead. “We don’t have that, but we have THIS!” House MD to Rules Of Engagement? That’s why Blockbuster no longer exists.

Because You Watched Bates Motel

It’s actually getting too easy to do this. The same offenders appear here. Bob’s Burgers, Family Guy, American Dad, That 70’s Show, The Boondocks, My Cat From Hell, Saturday night Live, Who The Bleep Did I Marry, Shark Week, The Cleveland Show, Titanoboa, Skins, Weed Wars, Bridezillas, My Name Is earl, Malcolm In The Middle, Blue Mountain State, Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, Trailer Park Boys, Parks and Recreation, and Dinosaurs.

If you loved watching Norman Bates growing up with his mother, and trying to open a hotel in a small town, then you’ll love this early 90’s family sitcom starring Dinosaurs that originally aired during ABC’s family friendly TGIF. We’ve also made a huge leap in judgement, and we think you’ll also enjoy My Cat From Hell. It’s not literally from hell, it’s just a guy who is a cat whisperer and… you’re bored already, aren’t you?

TV Shows For Ages 8 to 10

The Andy Griffith Show. I mean, yeah, technically. If you hate your children. Leave It To Beaver? The Munsters? The Hardy Boys Nancy Drew Mysteries? Ummm.. someone does not like kids.

It doesn’t get any better….

Because You Watched Longmire

Last Love, Miss Pettigrew Lives for A Day, Haven, Derek, Tiger Eyes, The Paradise, Battlestar Galactica, Last Man Standing, The Adventurer, Warehouse 13, Emperor, Continuum, Ordinary Decent Criminal, Tiny, and Persons Unknown.

Because You watched Escape From Tomorrow

Derek, Bob’s Burgers, Maria Bamford, Someone Marry Barry, Parks and Recreation, Mary and Max, Portlandia, Maron, How To Be A Man, Trailer Park Boys, Super, Rapturepalooza,

Because You Watched American Horror Story

Skins, American Dad, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, GBF, Wilfred, My Cat From Hell, That 70’s Show, Our Idiot Brother, The Cleveland Show, Shark Week, Freaks and Geeks, Not Another Teen Movie, Doomsday Bunkers, Toddlers and Tiaras, Who The Bleep Did I Marry, The Boondocks, Happy Tree Friends, LA Ink.

I mean… Toddlers and Tiaras? Really?

I think you need to hire more than one person to do this job. And make sure they get time off of Netflix. And food and water. Your system is broken. Send a repairman. I prefer the one who used to work for Blockbuster… he really knows his movies.