Where I Watched This: Tubi

English Audio Description?: No. Tubi doesn’t love us.

When i saw this listed casually among new releases, like it wanted to be considered against things like hocus Pocus 2, I figured Tubi knew what they were doing, and jumped on this train to try and…

No. That’s bullshit. I clicked on this film figuring it would be trashy garbage. There isn’t a single person on the cast list I’m even remotely familiar with, and all of them could use acting lessons. The most painful aspect wasn’t the lack of audio description, it was this guy trying to figure out how to maintain what he believed what a “Johnny Depp Voice”, which is akin to having a friend at a party who “does a great Johnny Depp impersonation”, but then just quotes some Jack Sparrow lines from Pirates. His Depp is some hybrid between that attempt at Depp, mixed with some Keanu Reeves, and just a smattering of Marlon Brando’s Vito Corleone.

Then, you have some random actress given the opportunity to be Amber Heard, which her interpretation seems to just be as annoying and dramatic as possible. Other moments include a horrible Paul Bettany impersonation, a reference to a sex scene I must have missed in The Danish Girl between Eddie Redmayne’s transitioning character and Amber Heard’s supporting character. Was it in there and I just blocked it out?

Everyone else just seems like they were pulled from the kind of acting classes that Mr. Kuzmo teaches on Barry. It’s hard to tell who the defense is or who is on the other side. The actressses seem interchangeable. And, they read all their lines like they’re auditioning to be lawyers on Judge Steve Harvey.

So the fact that Tubi didn’t put audio description on this is kind of just like being mad at a burger that gave you food poisoning because they forgot the mustard. Like, even if you had the mustard, you would still have food poisoning. Even if this film had audio description, it would still be Hot Garbage.

Final Grade: F