Box Office Predictions: Expensive ‘Valerian’ To Lose To ‘Dunkirk’ ‘War’ ‘Trip’

I really tried for that pun. It’s a bit of a stretch, I realize. Here’s the thing. Three new releases. All three have at least decent reviews, with two of them above 90% on Rotten Tomatoes (as of this posting). This SHOULD be a very busy weekend at the box office. But you know what? Ya’ll been a bunch of fucktards this summer, so who knows what could happen.

Sure, Dunkirk could be a big epic opener. It’s a big film from Christopher Nolan, with solid reviews. A 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. Or, it could be like War For The Planet Of The Apes, which got astonishing reviews, and had people saying it could do 70M opening weekend, only to grab 56M. Or perhaps like Alien Covenant, which also had hype and critics, and opened below expectations.

Then we have Valerian, because you all have been clamoring for original stories you haven’t seen before. That’s why you’ve ignored all these sequels, right? Because you wanted something original? Oh, then why is Valerian tracking at 17-20M? People should be eating this shit up. Nope.

Now we come back to Girls Trip. Since apparently we can’t have nice things anymore, I don’t even know what the fuck to think about Girls Trip. Y’all done fucked up every other comedy this summer. Hell, even The Big Sick opened below its wide estimated projection. You’ve systematically shat on every fucking comedy this summer. Good reviews, bad reviews, whatever. Fuck Comedy. You’ve raised your middle finger and screamed loudly… “WE NO LONGER WANT TO LAUGH.”

So now Girls Trip is somehow tracking in the high 20’s, because people are ever so optimistic that you will return to the cinema. That this will be the one comedy that busts that slump in the head. I’ve been burned too many times on my projections.

But… Girls Trip is also targeting the African American audience, and I’m betting they don’t give two shits what genre this film is. You’re trying to get them to quit comedy too, but it’s not gonna happen. You know what, you hipster fucks? Girls Trip is going to be the top grossing summer comedy. Not because it deserves to, but because you deserve it to. This is what you get when you can’t appreciate things.

1) Dunkirk- 35M Weekend, 35M Total
2) Girls Trip- 30M Weekend, 30M Total
3) War For The Planet Of The Apes- 28M Weekend, 111M Total
4) Spider-Man Homecoming- 22M Weekend, 256M TOtal
5) Valerian- 20M Weekend, 20M Total
6) Despicable Me 3- 11M Weekend, 213M Total
7) Baby Driver- 5.5M Weekend, 84M Total
8) The Big Sick- 5.5M Weekend, 25M Total
9) Wonder Woman- 4.5M Weekend, 389M Total
10) Wish Upon- 2.5M Weekend, 11M Total

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