Brazen

Starring: Alyssa Milano and Sam Page.

Directed By Monica Mitchell

Where i Watched it: Netflix

English Audio Description Available?: Yes

The Plot: Grace (Milano) is a best selling fiction author whose sister is a teacher during the day, and a webcam dominatrix at night. That is… until she is murdered! Armed with the knowledge she has gained from years of writing fiction novels, Grace has the police assist her in solving her sister’s murder.

What Works: So, this is on Netflix. That means I got to watch this at home. I made myself these really good homemade nachos, and enjoyed them during the film. Those nachos were dope. I doubt I’ll remember those nachos a year from now, but I could say the same about Brazen.

What Doesn’t Work: I almost feel bad reviewing this. Like, streaming has changed the game so much that the lines between a real film, a straight to video dumpster fire, or a low budget made for TV movie of the week. now things are just Netflix originals, which literally puts this film on the same level as Marriage Story, Roma, or The Power Of The Dog. Think about that one.

This movie is based on a book by Nora Roberts, and I wonder what fans of the book think of this schlock. Truthfully, this film is pretty terrible. It amounts to something I would expect to have accidentally found on Lifetime. Of course, I should have assumed a film starring Alyssa Milano would be crap, but I remain an eternal optimist. I feel like I’m making fun of a disabled child or something. Like, i don’t think the people who made this actually thought they were making a real film. Though one could argue that anytime you get a chance to make movie magic, you should take it.

Of course Grace is a novelist, like Nora Roberts. Hopefully Nora’s sister wasn’t a murdered dominatrix. She’s so popular that everyone has read her. Grace even meets someone who runs inside and gets a copy of her book upon meeting her because she’s just that prolific. Later, when she’s attempting to insert herself into the police force, the captain mentions that she’s read all her books and is a fan. I don’t think the consistency with what Grace’s books are read are even close to how quickly you would find a Nora Roberts Superman. It’s not just that Grace is famous. Like, I know who Nora Roberts is, but I’ve never read her stuff. It feels highly plausible that cops have better things to do with their time. But, no, we can’t just be familiar with her. Every person must have read her shit or have a physical copy of her book.

Pretty much everyone in this film is sleepwalking through some bland dialogue, all trying really hard not to out act Alyssa Milano, who is awful in this. Not that Milano is known for her deep range, but this film does a better job highlighting why she never gets invited to the big boy table, or considered for real parts. She can’t even manage to be the best thing about a shitty movie she’s doing where the second most well known cast member is “that guy from Mad Men. No, not that one. The other one.”

Sam Page’s romantic co-lead in this film is like wallpaper. He’s there, but you don’t need to acknowledge or think about him. He adds very little to anything, as he bravely attempts to navigate a script that can best be described as “We saw this on Law and Order SVU and thought it might make a feature length film, but once we started filming, we realized we were wrong, so we just threw in a whole bunch of potential killers that don’t make any sense, hoping to still shock you with the reveal.”

If you have an opportunity to watch Brazen, or sit in silence for the exact same amount of time and be alone with your thoughts, I promise your thoughts will be more entertaining.

The Blind Perspective: Thanks for the audio description, but I feel bad that someone had to watch this film to figure out what description was needed. No one should have to sit through this.

Final Thoughts: If we want to start calling shit A Netflix Original Film, and put that in the same ballpark as their Oscar nominated efforts, then I have to take this seriously. I have to assume this was intended to be a real film, even though it would be awful even if it was on Lifetime, and review it as such. Maybe the Razzies will remember this next year for their nominations. I’m hoping to forget this.

Final Grade: F

(It’s been a long time since I’ve given an F score. I hate to do it, but I couldn’t truly think of one redeeming fact that would warrant even a D-).

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