Interceptor

Starring: Elsa Pataky and Luke bracey.

Directed By: Matthew Riley

Where I Watched it: Netflix

English Audio Description Available?: Yes

Description Provided By: International Digital Center

Narration Written By: Dakota Green

Narrated By: Bill Larsen

The Plot: As the film will explain to you immediately, Russia has nukes. So does America. We have a defense system in place in case Russia ever launches nukes that would intercept these rockets. This film features a terrorist (Bracey) who manages to assemble a ragtag group of Expendables who infiltrate the interceptor facility so they can keep America from launching their interceptors, and allow Russia to nuke the shit out of America. But they didn’t count on one thing. That one girl who was in the Fast and Furious franchise. no, not Gal Gadot. No, not Charlize Theron. no, not Michelle Rodriguez. No, not Nathalie Emanuel. The other one. Yes. The one you forgot about. no, dammit, not Jordan’s Brewster. The other one! You know, the one that you forgot was in the franchise until The fate Of The Furious when her character died and left Vin Diesel with a baby he didn’t know he had? That one. She’s starring in films now.

What Works: There are a few interesting action sequences that are well described by our narration team.

What Doesn’t Work: Everything else. From the unnecessary exposition drop at the beginning of the film because this dumb film thinks it’s so complicated that if it doesn’t explain things to you, you’ll get lost. Like, we haven’t seen versions of this before. Bad men need to get into a room, but one person stands in their way. Bad men have a plan, but one hero stands against them. My God, this concept has been done to death. It’s been done so many times, everyone in fucking Hollywood has had the opportunity to do this film, so the only stars available who hadn’t made one of these were Pataky and Bracey, and I use the term “stars” lightly.

No one in this film is good. This is barely over an hour and a half, and that’s too long. There are too many long ass moments of dialogue. For most of the film, they are not in the room they need to be in, so it’s a lot of talking back and forth through doors. And neither Bracey nor Pataky are good with dialogue. And the dialogue is predictably bad. There was a line exchange between two characters where I even predicted the next line. One character started out with:

“I know you. you’re not a murderer.” And in my head I heard the line “You’re right. I’m not a murderer. I’m a patriot.” Then he actually said it. This film is so formulaic that I’m actually kind of pissed at Netflix for regurgitating something that would have sat dead on a Blockbuster shelf as a straight to video release, as some Netflix original worth my time. This is the kind of garbage Steven Segal made his career off of once we told him he couldn’t have his films in theatres anymore.

It’s frustratingly bad. I read an article recently that said Netflix was planning on making less movies, but making bigger ones when they actually do. So, more films like The Adam Project, and presumably less films like this. That is definitely a good thing.Stop wasting our subscription money on low budget crap like this, and then complaining how you don’t have enough money to make a third season of Raising Deon.

The Blind Perspective: The description team here did a good job with this crappy film. The writing by Dakota Green does a solid job of laying out the limited action sequences, especially the only interesting one in which someone gets decapitated. And Bill Larsen’s voice lends itself to this genre. I’d hate to put him on a kids film, or a romantic comedy. He seems very well suited for action films, or other suspense and thriller type films. If you told me he narrated Pretty Woman, I’d probably throw it in the garbage can, but if he narrated Die hard, I’d scream with excitement. The description is far better than this film deserved.

Final Thoughts: I’ll be the cheesy critic with some punny crap and say that I hope this review intercepted you before you decided to watch this. Unless you’re just a junkie for action films, and only action films, and you don’t mind an action film that is 50% two people talking through a door at each other, then this film is for you. Likely this film is for no one. I’m sure Luke Bracey calls his parents and keeps asking them if they’ve watched it, and they keep saying “Not yet.” Because they can’t bring themselves to just say “No. Never.”

Final Grade: D- (Yes, D minus)

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