Where I Watched It: Peacock

Audio Description Available?: Yes

It’s been a week since this thing came out. For my YouTube channel (which you can always subscribe to at YouTube.com/macthemovieguy) I recorded a spoiler and non-spoiler version of the review. This will contain spoilers, so I’ll do what I never do, and give you the grade now. Then you can read the why.

Final Grade: D-

Now that’s out of the way, and you’ve been warned about spoilers. I have not seen every single Halloween film, and some of them I’ve seen the edited for cable versions (this would be true for Halloween 3 and 6 for sure). That means, sometimes a cut away from the violence, or bleeping out words. I do love me some Halloween H20 though, as I grew up in the era of Scream and the teen slashers it inspired.

When David Gordon Green sought out to reboot/remake/erase the Halloween series, I was excited. The trailers for the first Halloween seemed cool enough, even if it did drop when I couldn’t see. But listening to them, and understanding what he was trying to do, I was willing to give it a shot. I truly believe the Halloween movie was great. He made his own mark, but then he just shat all over it. Halloween Kills took all the intelligence of the original out, and sidelined Jamie Lee Curtis. instead, we saw a bunch of idiots constantly running at Michael Myers with the dumbest weapons possible, and him slaughtering half the population of the town. The message was something about who is the real monster, as the town ends up killing someone who isn’t Michael out of mob mentality, but most people like it because it followed through on the promise of it being Halloween and there being kills. So if you look at it that way, sure, he gave you want you wanted. A specific holiday with kills. Doesn’t matter if the film is good. Terrified 2 is an example that violence alone will be enough to get people to the theatre, plot, logic, and character development be damned.

So here, in Halloween Ends, a film that has promoted the shit out of the final showdown of Michael Myers and Laurie strode, you have a film that for the Halloween Kills fans does what it promised. once again, this takes place at Halloween, not Christmas, or Arbor Day, so there’s 1 point. And it does have an ending, as promised. So, by the standards set by Halloween Kills, to some people, this is a masterpiece.

I’ve seen too many apologists trying to find a way to convince people this film isn’t awful. The fact is, it’s just fucking awful. it throws any semblance of connectivity out the door. Some people say it works as an anthology, like Season Of The Witch. but, that’s not what this is. this is the End to a franchise with 13 fucking films. This isn’t a Ryan Murphy production. It’s not and never should be an anthology.

Second, this franchise, save one film, has always starred The Shape aka Michael Myers. So when you introduce some emo teen named Corey and he has a higher body count than the legacy and legendary killer in the finale to his own series, you can promptly fuck off. I struggled to figure out who Michael killed all on his own. he seemed to participate in some kills, letting Corey finish everyone off. but their bromance is so bizarre. First, Corey is thrown from a bridge, and Michael nurses him back to health. Then when Corey wakes up, Michael starts to choke him out. Why? Why revive him to kill him? That’s not Michael’s style. Then, Michael and Corey seem to make a connection, and suddenly Corey has decided to become the monster the town wants him to be.

But just like every Scream film that introduces a whiny new character every film with some dumb reason, Corey eventually dies. So, after spending a lifetime investing in the possibility of Michael’s legacy living on in the form of an acolyte, Corey is rather swiftly dispatched by Laurie, who honestly disposes of Michael rather quickly too, given the length of time it takes to get to their fight.

I love Jamie Lee Curtis. Like, she might be one of my favorite actresses despite never having an Oscar nomination. I;‘lol follow her to the ends of the earth, but she’s pretty terrible in this. her character has been totally rewritten, as a year after her daughter’s murder by michael, she’s buying groceries, being verbally assaulted by extras who can’t act, and forced to open the film with five minutes of exposition just in case some people were waiting 40 years to jump into this franchise on the last film and don’t want to be confused.

It’s not that she’s a bad actress, it’s that her role is written like she’s some other person. She’s not even the version we got in H20, the strong recovering victim saving her kids. She’s just flirting with Will Patton (who does nothing in this film except flirt with Curtis), and just kinda stands around waiting for Michael. Her granddaughter, has become a new character. Not in a good way. She just becomes whatever the film needs her to be, and also doesn’t seem to be dwelling much on the many dead people in her past. Remember, her dad died in the first film, and her mom in the second. You would have no idea based on her performance.

The film writes everyone else in Haddonfield as aggressively terrible as possible, like this entire town lost all the good and decent people and now only the assholes survive. The teenagers that keep trying to beat up Corey are terrible humans, and it makes it easier to watch terrible things happen to them. There’s an abusive ex-boyfriend here for the granddaughter, who also you won’t miss. No one dies where you’re like, “Oh! Not that guy!” Even the kid Corey accidentally kills in the beginning had gone a bit too far. he didn’t deserve to die, but he did lock his babysitter in a room, and tried to fake a Michael Myers attack.

So ask yourself, when you found out this film was happening, if the marketing hadn’t lied to you, and was upfront, would you be excited for it? Would you be excited to see the Halloween franchise end with Corey as the main villain, the final fight between Michael and Laurie being so short and basically taking place in one room, all just so we can close the door on David Gordon Green’s unnecessary trilogy? I think not.

And that’s the biggest tell of all, because Corey isn’t some surprise reveal at the end of the film. he accidentally murders that kid in the opening sequence, and within the first half hour, he’s already started killing people. So, the only reason they hid him as the killer, was because even the marketing department at Universal knew it was stupid. how could they market that? If it had been handled differently, perhaps where Corey learns to become this acolyte alongside Michael, who still does the bulk of the killing, but almost does it in a helpful way, the series could ahve ended with closure on Michael’s story while opening the door for Corey in a potential sequel or spinoff. imagine, the final shot of thee film being Corey picking up Michael’s mask. He could have spent the whole film being tortured, and on the fence, only to pick up where Michael left off after Laurie finally kills him. Instead, our ending is just a big fat whatever.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. That’s why we allow the flat earthers to meet up every year. Basically, if you liked this, I do now question your taste in cinema, and I think you also believe the earth is flat.

The Grade Is Still: D-