A little busier than usual yesterday, so 5 shows and a movie. It’s a little like Community, if yahoo hadn’t saved it.

5) National Treasure: Edge Of History (Disney Plus)

English Audio Description?: Yes

Dammit. Catherine Zeta jones. You have an Oscar. Start acting like you do. Honestly, i didn’t hate this show. Our lead is plucky, and the complete opposite of nicolas Cage, and her best friend is fun. But when she sits down at the computer in this demeaningly stupid sequence, where she’s like “Do you know how many free masons there are in this state?” And like immediately googles her way to the very first answer, I was like… no. Stop doing that. i literally stopped watching a show over shit like that. it was that Toni Collette Netflix drama, where a character walks in and uses a computer to search something really simple like “murder”, and the computer screen showed no results found. I could punch my keyboard with unintelligible combinations of letters, and google would find or suggest a search result, or give me an ad. These shows that act like we don’t know how to use computers, in 2022, and can be mystified by their wizardry so they treat us like idiots can go straight to the garbage bin. Shitty writing will only give you a shitty show. The audio description was fine. I love how Disney Plus describes all the intricate artwork in the opening credits, and none of the names of the actors. We should do that for all credits. “The blackness of the screen is never ending. Eternal darkness.”

Final Grade: C

4) The Crown (Netflix)

English Audio Description?: Yes

in what is still the most bafflingly awful season of The Crown so far, we decide to learn about The Romanovs. but not in any useful or substantial way. At the top, we see King George and Queen Mary just doing their thing, and Mary is upset. There are some other families we’ve never met before,and something is happening… and oh shit they’re dead. Then the rest of the show becomes about. Using DNA to locate the Romanov remains… and I’m like, is this show about Elizabeth? What is the point of this? It seems like it would make a fascinating feature, where we could devote backstory to the Romanov family, and tie in the DNA part at the end, but for an hour long episode, I’m now seeing why there were rumors they would only do only one season with Imelda as Queen. They don’t ahve material. This story really barely even takes place during her tenure, as they have to reach into the past to explain it.

Final Grade: C+

3) The Witcher: Blood Origins (Netflix)

English Audio Description?: Yes

When you realize this thing is four episodes, and each episode is so fucking long, and they still haven’t done anything substantial by the end of the third episode, it’s kind of enraging. Even Michelle Yeoh seems to not care. We had a character make the choice to have sex with her recently resurrected and somewhat possessed lover, like it was nothing. She didn’t require a shower. A bath. No, let’s just get straight to that sex. The only saving grace was that nice fake out, and they honestly did get me there at the end. I know that was the point, but i really thought… Oh shit. This is it. And when it wasn’t, I still found that to be the only clever thing all episode long. This show is designed to make you stop watching the Witcher.

Episode Grade: C+

2) Three Pines (Amazon)

English Audio Description?: Yes

On a particularly awful day, this Alfred Molina… show….ended up at number two. Tonally, I have questions. It’s hard to take a conversation seriously when there’s a duck quacking its way through the scene. I’m sure it highlights the nature of being on a farm, or whatever, but everything is a choice. The director chose ducks that make noise, over ducks just quietly walking around. I’m not sure if this thing is attempting to be quirky, or if it’s just poorly directed. But I’ll give Alfred Molina a pass for now.

Episode Grade: B

1) So help Me Todd (CBS/Paramount Plus)

English Audio Description?: Yes

OMG. This ended up on top? That’s how awful the day was? I don’t think I’ve scored this above a B+ before. However, not only did it have a weak set of competition, but it also had a strong episode.Although, sometimes Todd can be… a bit much. At the top of the episode, when he comes in the room after hearing part of a conversation and asks what his mom isn’t ready for, some of the things he rattles off make me concerned for the fact that he’s an adult. I get that he’s the quirky black sheep of the family, but can we at least not play him like he could be easily substituted by Rob Schneider at any point?

Episode Grade: B+

Nothing gets an A today. Not even the movie I watched.