Kicking off the Small Screen Diaries for today, in a pretty easy first-place finish, is East of Eden, which is on Netflix with audio description from Descriptive Video Works, written by Liz Gutman and narrated by Paul Hoffman. The series has some really wonderful audio description attached to it, but this was also probably my favorite episode in general. I don’t love everything that Cathy ends up doing as a character, but Florence Pugh is so terrific in the role that she makes up for a lot of it. This is very much a series where you’re watching the antagonist function as the protagonist, much like Crystal Lake is following the evolution of an antagonist in a protagonist role. There were shades here that Cathy might find herself at the brothel she ends up migrating to in this episode, but unfortunately, she is still a bit of a devil, and barely disguised at that. It’s pretty clear what she’s trying to do, maneuvering her way through these situations, and even her inner monologue, voiced by Florence Pugh, reveals her intentions ahead of time. I’m starting to believe this character is impossible to redeem, even if she’s interesting and the performance is fantastic. Cathy is cold and a little bit evil, and not always because she’s provoked into being that way. In this episode, she definitely targets someone who has done her no wrong.

Second place goes to Golden Axe on Paramount+ with audio description by Media Access Group. This animated adventure series is really pretty fun. It’s a lot like The Legend of Vox Machina, for fans of that series. I’ve said that pretty much every time I’ve mentioned Golden Axe, but it just has a certain humor to it, especially with the voice cast and the way the characters interact. I really appreciate how the series manages to blend adventure with comedy, and it continues to be interesting as the chosen one finally figures out how to activate the sword, much to the chagrin of our heroes as they watch him eventually get carried off by the bad brothers. The voice cast here is excellent, and the show continues to be a surprisingly entertaining little adventure.

In third place for the day is War, which continues to push forward with its divorce drama. I really do enjoy this series. It just ended up losing out to a funnier episode of Golden Axe this week and the best episode of East of Eden so far. War had two excellent opening episodes, and this third episode, which dealt a little more with the child stuck in the middle of this marriage, was maybe only slightly less interesting than the first two. It still continues to get great performances out of its cast and is fleshing out a plot worth watching. I think this one’s going to be a contender come Golden Globe time in the television categories, as well as next year at the Emmys.

Fourth place goes to The Rookie on Disney+ with audio description. I’m still catching up on last season, and this episode follows a documentary crew observing our squad of officers as they uncover a bizarre mystery revolving around the discovery of a body belonging to a former police officer who was deep into conspiracy theories involving people stabbing themselves in the heart, along with some other twisty nonsense. The Rookie used to be better. Now it’s just treading water. Impressively, it still has most of its original cast intact, which is something, but the storytelling just isn’t what it used to be. The audio description is fine, although nobody is credited at the end, so it’s hard to get too excited about Disney’s perpetual lack of audio description credits at the end of their shows.

In fifth place is Celebrity Weakest Link, which had no audio description but was really interesting if you’re into horror movies, because you would have loved this episode. Jane Lynch got to host a collection of scream queens and other horror movie actors, including Kane Hodder, competing to win money for their respective charities. It’s nice to see Elvira and Linda Blair on stage, and the whole thing was a fun little celebration of horror personalities. Even without audio description, this is the kind of show that’s pretty easy to follow because of the way the contestants are introduced and identified throughout the game.

Next up, in sixth place, is Tomb Raider King on Crunchyroll, with audio description from Global 3, written by Melvina Babu. Dealing with relics and how our lead manages to navigate them, at times this series really does feel like a video game. This episode felt a little less like a video game, but I still find myself questioning where it’s headed. It seems to be on an endless quest of collecting things and building up a treasure trove of relics without necessarily having a plot that drives the story forward. I guess if anime is intended for kids in other countries, and we, for some reason, appreciate it here as adults, there are plenty of cartoons we have that also don’t have much forward momentum in their plot structure. They just kind of have the same adventures that push the characters into repetitive situations, maybe with some linear forward momentum, but not necessarily with an end goal in sight. I’m not sure how long Tomb Raider King can keep doing this before I start to lose interest. The audio description is well written, but unfortunately, it uses a synthetic voice. Excellent writer, synthetic narration.

And down at the bottom, I’m sorry, is American Horror Story, season 13, episode two, which is on Disney+ with Hulu, with audio description written and narrated by Sri Gordon. While the audio description is very much not the problem, this series is atrocious. I don’t know what they’re doing this season. Every time they try to hit you over the head with the relevance of the number 13, I just can’t. And they’ve got this poor guy cleaning out the urethra of Satan, which is just like, what are we doing here? Does everybody not realize that this guy’s name is just Satan spelled backwards? This is one of the worst things I think Ryan Murphy has ever written, because it’s full of intensely campy dialogue, a plot structure that seemingly is going nowhere other than reminding you that the number 13 means something to people, and a storyline involving an old, decrepit representation of Satan that is a little too on the nose. There are better seasons of this show. Murder House, season one, is a perfect example of that. Man, this franchise started off with something, and it has never really been able to recapture that. There have been glimmers throughout, from what I’ve been told by people who have actually seen every season of American Horror Story, but I refuse to believe this is the best one. The audio description, however, is fantastic, and it’s nice to know that Sri Gordon writes and narrates her own description. Look at that.

So, who’s at the top and who’s at the bottom in terms of audio description? The best representation has to be East of Eden. I’m constantly engaged by the interesting choices made within its audio description. Just a bunch of little things, whether it’s the way something looks, catching a facial expression, or noticing the design on plates. There are so many wonderful little moments throughout East of Eden, although there were several strong contenders for best audio description today. At the bottom, I really only seem to have two choices. One is Celebrity Weakest Link, which has no audio description, and the other is Tomb Raider King, which has audio description, but it’s synthetic, albeit well written. I think Crunchyroll’s synthetic choices have gotten a pass before because something else was more egregious at the bottom, but there’s no real way for me to justify that here. Celebrity Weakest Link is the kind of show that a blind person could tune into without audio description and still know each celebrity who was on stage, since they go through and introduce everyone at the beginning, and Jane calls them by name repeatedly throughout the show. There’s even a built-in narrator who helps you figure out who was the strongest and weakest link. Plus, most people probably watch these types of shows so they can play along. Whereas Tomb Raider King is a narrative-driven animated adventure that really needs audio description, and unfortunately, that description is delivered through a synthetic voice. So, at the bottom for the day is Tomb Raider King.