Kicking off the Small Screen Diaries today is a little bit of catch-up, because I realized I’ve been doing a lot of renewal news lately, and I’ve skipped over a few shows simply because I hadn’t started watching them yet. That’s not really fair to the people who have been watching. So, if you’ve already become an instant fan of Crew Girl or A Different World on Netflix, both series have already been picked up for second seasons. This seems to be part of Netflix’s determination to move content along at a quicker pace, rather than leaving audiences wondering whether their favorite shows will ever return. Now, on to today’s rankings.

I have a feeling Carrie is going to remain at the top of these rankings for as long as I’m watching it. Season one, episode two, on Amazon Prime Video, continues Mike Flanagan’s excellent reinterpretation of Stephen King’s novel for the modern age, with fantastic audio description from Media Access Group, narrated by Adrienne Barbeau. Flanagan is doing what he does best, taking his time with the characters, exploring their motivations, and allowing their relationships to develop naturally. If I could sit down with Flanagan and offer one criticism, it would be regarding Chris, who is slowly emerging as our primary antagonist. There’s a dinner scene involving Chris, her mother, and her mother’s future husband that I thought was a missed opportunity. We already know Chris is worried about college because her father refuses to pay her tuition, and she’s openly suggested that her mother is only interested in her because of the child support. So why doesn’t she use this dinner to ask whether her new daddy is going to pay for college, since he’s apparently so determined to fuck up her life? That feels exactly like the kind of mean girl moment Chris would seize upon, but instead she bottles everything up and redirects her anger toward Carrie, who hasn’t actually done anything to her beyond simply existing. Bullies tend to pick easy targets, and Carrie is certainly that, but Chris’s friendship with Sue makes me question how quickly she’s becoming this particular kind of monster. I would have liked a little more reinforcement of that transition. Meanwhile, Carrie is beginning to discover her abilities, and there’s an interesting new character introduced in the bathroom who has a meaningful interaction with her. Whether that character becomes important later remains to be seen. The audio description continues to be exceptional, and I particularly appreciated a scene where Carrie visits the library and selects several books. The description actually identifies the titles, many of which have been challenged or banned in recent years. Carrie is reading banned books, and I was practically waiting for Margaret to find out. It’s a wonderful little detail that might otherwise have gone unnoticed.

Second place goes to Below, the new Netflix horror series starring Josh Hartnett, which I fast-tracked onto my viewing schedule because we’re in October, and people are naturally looking for something scary to watch. The first episode features audio description from VSI, with a narrator whose voice I genuinely don’t think I’ve encountered before. That’s not a criticism, because he did a perfectly good job. It was just interesting to hear somebody new. Hartnett is sporting a surprisingly impressive Newfoundland accent as a fisherman living in a community dealing with the consequences of relocation, changing economic circumstances, and an ecosystem increasingly affected by climate change. There’s a fascinating cultural element here involving Newfoundland’s fishing villages and the movement of residents toward larger population centers, and I wish the series had spent more time exploring it. Instead, we’re quickly introduced to the sea creature that’s terrorizing the community and killing people. I understand that we’re here for a creature feature, but this is a television series, not a two-hour movie. We have the luxury of time, and I would have preferred to spend more of the premiere getting to know these people, their culture, and their way of life before unleashing the monster. Perhaps save the creature for the very end of the episode and allow its presence to become more prominent as the season progresses. Newfoundland is such a distinctive setting that it deserves to be more than simply the place where a monster happens to be eating people. Still, I found the premiere interesting, Hartnett is doing good work, and the series certainly establishes how brutal it’s willing to get by the time the credits roll. If you’re wondering about the gore level, the first episode answers that question pretty decisively.

Third place goes to Last Seen on Apple TV, which continues to be a compelling Australian thriller. Season one, episode three, finds our desperate father still searching for his missing daughter, Maggie, after receiving another phone call from Sarah, the young woman who may actually be his daughter. Sarah doesn’t seem entirely certain of her own identity, while the man who abducted and raised her is doing everything he can to maintain control and prevent the truth from coming out. There’s a genuine sense of urgency to this series, and the stakes feel appropriately high. My one complaint this week involves a police officer who chastises Maggie’s father rather aggressively for his behavior. Considering this is a man whose daughter has been missing and who may finally have a legitimate lead, I thought the officer was a little unnecessarily harsh. There’s a difference between trying to keep someone from interfering with an investigation and treating a desperate parent like an inconvenience. Still, it’s a relatively minor complaint in an otherwise effective thriller, and I would easily recommend giving this one a chance. The audio description continues to do its job nicely.

Apparently, Crunchyroll has finally fixed its audio description problem, which means I can get back to watching some anime. Fourth place goes to Black Clover, season one, episode five, which is part of a newly available batch of episodes with English audio description. I’m considerably behind on this series, but I’ve always thought of Black Clover as something resembling anime’s answer to Harry Potter, with our protagonist determined to become the Wizard King. This particular episode is essentially the Sorting Hat episode, as prospective Magic Knights gather in hopes of being selected by one of the various squads. Our two central characters, Asta and Yuno, are anxiously awaiting their futures, while we also see several unfortunate applicants who don’t get selected at all. I guess they just go home and figure something else out. At least that establishes some stakes. There’s not a tremendous amount to unpack here, but the series continues to be entertaining, and the audio description writing is excellent. That’s been a recurring strength of the Crunchyroll titles I’ve encountered, even if the company seems determined to avoid paying actual human beings to narrate them. Apparently, they’ll pay good writers, but draw the line at giving those words a human voice.

Fifth place goes to Abbott Elementary, season six, episode one, and I am genuinely exhausted from talking about this show’s audio description. While I’ve heard complaints that Scrubs has moved to synthetic narration, although I haven’t personally jumped into its second season yet, Abbott Elementary is still using Vito Di Filippo through Verbit. Unfortunately, the quality remains just as underwhelming as it’s been for practically the entire run of the series. Six seasons. Six seasons of me complaining about the same thing, and apparently nobody involved sees a reason to improve it. At this point, I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, except the horse has been dead since season one. As for the episode itself, it’s fine. There are some clever moments, including appearances from members of the Philadelphia 76ers, before we settle into the usual preparations for a new school year. There’s a new teacher introduced who I’m guessing we’ll probably never see again, along with updates on where everyone stands heading into the semester. The central storyline involves Barbara apparently getting hit by a car while walking to school, although she seems remarkably fine afterward. She decides to use the incident to campaign for the return of a crossing guard, but there’s clearly something suspicious about what happened, and the eventual revelation is pretty much exactly what I expected. Abbott Elementary is starting to feel a little long in the tooth. I would love to see it get back to basics instead of relying on celebrity cameos simply because it’s popular enough to attract them. Just because you can get members of the Philadelphia 76ers to show up doesn’t necessarily mean you should. And if you’re going to introduce a new teacher, give that character something meaningful to do. There’s still a good show buried in here, but I’m starting to wonder whether it’s running out of fresh ideas.

Last place goes to NCIS: New York, season one, episode one, on Paramount+, starring LL Cool J, Scott Caan, and Jennifer Beals. LL Cool J reprises his role as Sam Hanna, a character he originated on NCIS: Los Angeles, and I decided to give the premiere a shot simply because I wanted to have something to say about the latest addition to this seemingly immortal franchise. I don’t anticipate watching another episode. That’s not necessarily because NCIS: New York is terrible, but because it seems perfectly content to be another NCIS series for people who already love NCIS. Based on my casual exposure to the franchise over the years, it follows the same basic formula, with familiar procedural storytelling and a case-of-the-week structure. My problem is that this is a surprisingly weak pilot. Pilots matter. They’re supposed to introduce characters, establish relationships, and give new viewers a reason to invest in a series. Instead, NCIS: New York operates under the assumption that you already know everything you need to know about Sam Hanna, and even the introductions of its new characters feel rather perfunctory. This franchise has been around for so long that an entire generation of potential viewers has been born since it began. Some of those people might be interested in jumping aboard for the first time, and a new series should provide that opportunity. Instead, this premiere seems designed exclusively for the audience Paramount+ assumes it already has. If you’re a longtime NCIS fan, I suspect you’ll find plenty to enjoy. If you’re looking for a compelling reason to enter this universe for the first time, I’m not sure this is going to provide one.

As for today’s audio description rankings, Carrie easily takes the top spot. That library scene alone demonstrates the kind of attention to detail that makes good audio description so valuable. Identifying the books Carrie selects isn’t just filling silence with unnecessary information. It adds something meaningful to our understanding of the character and the world Flanagan is building. At the opposite end of the spectrum, I’m giving the bottom spot to Abbott Elementary. Yes, I realize Black Clover uses synthetic narration, and normally that would be enough for me to put it at the bottom on principle alone. But the writing on Black Clover is so good that it’s difficult to justify ranking it beneath six seasons of consistently mediocre audio description from Abbott Elementary. If Black Clover had mediocre writing to accompany its synthetic voice, this wouldn’t even be a conversation. Instead, Abbott Elementary continues to underwhelm in practically every department. I actually expected the show to make things worse by switching to synthetic narration, but apparently the decision was simply to keep doing what they’ve always done. At this point, I’m not even disappointed anymore. I’m just tired of having the same complaint year after year.