Where I Watched It: Apple VOD

English Audio description?: No

Every once in a while, I still like to review things that don’t have audio description to remind anyone in Hollywood that cares that not providing audio description makes your film potentially incoherent. And for 99 cents as a rental from ITunes, this was a complete and total waste of my life. It’s totally unwatchable, and while David Cronenberg might be a respected director, my word to him would be for someone of your caliber who directs with such intent, i would make sure there was an audio description track for my films so that people didn’t leave them thinking they were pointless.

I’m aware what Crimes Of The Future is. it came out months ago, and most of my favorite YouTube critics reviewed it. i know it’s more body horror from the master of body horror, and features a lot of surgeries taking place almost as if they were an art form, kind of taking performance art to the next level. The film stars Viggo Mortensen, Lea Seydoux, Kristen Stewart, and for some reason, Scott Speedman. So, it has a pretty decent cast.

Doesn’t matter. This shit is unwatchable for a blind audience.

At the beginning of the film, there’s an uncomfortable scene with no dialogue that sounds like a child is having a nightmare, being murdered, or being molested. Whatever is happening, it was really uncomfortable listening to and not knowing if this kid was going through something truly terrible, or if he had just seen Crimes of The future. The rest of the film I became one with the score, which was beautiful by the way. Most of the scenes in the film are surgical manipulation scenes where no one feels the need to talk about their feelings like in Grey’s Anatomy. They are either entirely quiet, or they are scenes where someone is obviously sawing into a body.

There are a few scenes with dialogue, and that’s where some of the characters wax poetic for a few minutes about whether or not what they are doing is a good or bad thing. There is a very strong argument that this is good, especially when Lea Seydoux suggests that without this, Mortensen (I believe) would be dead.

But there are really long scenes without dialogue, and that makes it really hard to follow. I think the boy died, and I’m not sure how. There’s some dialogue in the film later on to suggest that a boy died.

Anyway, I can’t comment on the audio description, just the lack thereof. And due to a lack of audio description, instead of me getting some gory artistic triumph from Cronenberg, I got an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where everyone is forbidden from talking, but they spent way more money than usual on the score. That, is not a movie.

Final Grade: D-