Kicking off today’s Small Screen Diaries with a little bit of renewal news that I’m incredibly indifferent about, mostly because the current season is dreadful. Well audio described, but absolutely dreadful. Not surprisingly, FX has ordered a 14th season of American Horror Story. You would think that 13 might have been a logical conclusion for the series, considering the significance of that number to the horror genre and just how long this franchise has been running, but apparently they’re going to keep this thing going, pedal to the metal. Anyway, enough about that. It’s time for the rankings.

Taking the top spot today is Furious, season one, episode five, on Disney+ with audio description provided by God knows who. I really don’t like the fact that Disney+ and Hulu have seemingly started removing audio description credits from the end of their programming. Not just because of the implication that the humans responsible for providing this service somehow don’t matter, but because it makes it increasingly difficult to track quality from company to company. In some ways, this actually backfires on Disney and Hulu, because when a company is credited, those of us in the blind community can identify who is consistently doing excellent work. Without those credits, unless somebody reports the information to ADNA.org, it becomes increasingly difficult to figure out who is doing what. And that website relies on self-reporting rather than comprehensive industry reporting. I don’t even know if Furious is listed there, but this is indicative of a much larger problem. As for the series itself, it continues to be fantastic, and what an absolute banger of an ending to this episode, especially considering we’re only five episodes into the season. Lola Petticrew continues to be phenomenal, and watching the evolution of her character, Catherine, has been fascinating. I actually found myself oddly rooting for her to win, to somehow find a way out of the situation she’s created for herself. For a moment, it seemed like this episode might actually offer her that path forward, but she ultimately leaned into some of her worst tendencies, potentially costing herself a bright, shiny future. Then again, perhaps that’s the point. Maybe there isn’t a bright, shiny future waiting for somebody who has experienced what she has. Meanwhile, the team of police officers and FBI agents attempting to find her remains equally compelling, with strong performances across the board. Petticrew stole the show in Hulu’s Say Nothing, and I think she’s doing it again here. I’d be shocked if she didn’t receive an Emmy nomination, although I think the series deserves consideration in several categories. The audio description is also remarkably solid, particularly when it comes to the specificity of certain violent acts, the explanation of how a character deliberately trips an alarm to attract Catherine’s attention, and the various things Alice does to rid herself of a problem that continues to haunt her. There are a lot of intricate details here, and the audio description consistently rises to the occasion.

Second place goes to Below, season one, episode three, on Netflix with audio description. This Canadian horror series continues to be compelling, although I would argue that this is probably the least violent or gory episode thus far. There is one particularly disturbing sequence involving Wade that challenges that assessment, and the audio description handled it quite well. I thought the decision to use the word “undulate” was particularly effective, because it perfectly captured the grotesque nature of what was happening without needing to become unnecessarily elaborate. We were already sufficiently disturbed. Josh Hartnett is doing some really great work here, arguably some of the best of his career, and it would be nice to see him recognized for it. Unfortunately, I suspect this is going to be one of those performances that gets forgotten when Emmy season rolls around. It’s a genre series, and it’s arriving far too early in the eligibility window for me to believe voters are going to remember it. Much like Black Rabbit, which seemed to disappear from the conversation despite having some strong performances, I worry that Below will suffer a similar fate. Hopefully, I’m wrong.

Landing in third place is President Curtis, season one, episode two, on HBO Max with audio description. This Rick and Morty spinoff continues to be absolutely hilarious, and this episode introduces the wonderfully ridiculous concept of a maximum-security prison for monsters located in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. It’s so incredibly silly, and I love it. What I appreciate most about this series is that it isn’t trying to recreate Rick and Morty beat for beat. Instead, it feels inspired by the original series while carving out its own identity, allowing its central character and the absurdity of his circumstances to dictate the comedy. The best spinoffs aren’t carbon copies of the shows that spawned them, and so far, President Curtis seems to understand that distinction.

Fourth place goes to DMV, season one, episode 15, on Paramount+ with audio description provided by Media Access Group. Yes, I’m still watching this show, and yes, the audio description is still great. I really wish CBS had continued with this series, because I think there was something here worth developing. The ensemble is solid, the characters have chemistry, and the show needed room to breathe rather than being expected to immediately establish itself as some kind of massive ratings success. Not every sitcom comes out of the gate firing on all cylinders, and sometimes you have to give a cast and its writers an opportunity to figure out exactly what works. This is the kind of show that somebody else should have looked at, recognized its potential, and rescued. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be happening, and I’m left enjoying what we have while wishing there were more episodes in its future.

Fifth place goes to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Paramount+, which does not have audio description. This is one of those situations where the absence of audio description bothers me considerably less than it normally would, simply because I recognize that there are more pressing priorities. When was the last time anybody went looking for a particular episode of The Daily Show from three years ago? Or even three months ago? The longevity just isn’t there in the same way it is for scripted programming, and there are countless movies and television series sitting on streaming services without audio description that people actually want to watch or rewatch. If I were the god of audio description and could wave a magic wand, The Daily Show would be pretty far down my list of priorities. That being said, I do enjoy my Mondays with Jon Stewart, and he recently extended his contract for another two years. For everybody who was concerned about what might happen to the program under David Ellison, apparently he understands what makes money, and Jon Stewart makes money. So Stewart will be sticking around through the next election cycle, continuing his Monday appearances. As far as I know, the rest of the hosting arrangement is also continuing, with The Daily Show itself receiving an extension for two more seasons. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean every individual host will remain in place. Somebody could leave, somebody could get a better offer, or the network could decide to make changes. But for now, the show continues, and Stewart isn’t going anywhere.

Finishing in sixth place is The Exiled Heavy Knight Knows How to Game the System, season one, episode two, on Crunchyroll with audio description. This was at the bottom of my rankings the last time I watched it, and unfortunately, it’s back again. It’s not necessarily because the show isn’t cool or doesn’t have some interesting ideas. It’s because I genuinely have no idea what’s going on. The series plays very much like a video game, where our main character encounters an opponent and suddenly we’re presented with information about who he’s about to fight, including statistics and other details that feel like something you would see pop up on a screen before a boss battle. Here’s your enemy, here are his stats, get ready, fight. That’s all well and good, but I still couldn’t tell you what this show is actually about to save my life. I don’t know what its larger purpose is, what story it’s trying to tell, or why I should be invested in any of it. And it’s not because I’m ignoring the show. I was actually listening quite intently this time, trying to piece everything together, and I still came away confused. What has really caught my attention, though, is the audio description narration. There’s something about this particular voice that bothers me, because it sounds remarkably similar to Adrienne Barbeau. I don’t know if I’m crazy, and I don’t believe Global 3 generally uses human narration for its Crunchyroll titles, but this sounds so much like a narrator I’m already familiar with that I keep questioning what I’m hearing. If this actually is a human narrator, that would be wonderful. But if it’s another synthetic voice attempting to approximate the sound of an existing, living audio description professional, that’s a completely different conversation. I would love for Crunchyroll to start embracing human narration, but I would also love for synthetic narration to stop sounding suspiciously like people who actually work in this industry. This is only my second episode, and it’s a noticeably different voice from the ones I’ve heard on other Crunchyroll titles. I can’t definitively identify it, but something about it keeps nagging at me. If anybody else is watching these shows on Crunchyroll, particularly with audio description, I’d love to know what you think.

As for the audio description rankings, the best of the day goes to Furious. There were so many intricate little sequences that required careful attention to exactly what a character was doing, whether we were following Catherine or Alice. The specificity mattered, because these weren’t just random physical actions. They were things that built toward something, sometimes paying off details that had been established earlier, even something as seemingly insignificant as struggling to peel a sticker from a sticker pack. Those are the moments where thoughtful audio description can make a tremendous difference, and Furious consistently delivered. At the bottom, I’m going to give the unfortunate distinction to The Daily Show, simply because it doesn’t have audio description at all. I’m reluctant to put The Exiled Heavy Knight there while I’m still trying to figure out what’s happening with its narration. If it turns out that Adrienne Barbeau is actually narrating this show, that would be amazing, and I’d be delighted to discover that Crunchyroll had quietly introduced a human narrator. My broader objection to Crunchyroll’s audio description remains its reliance on synthetic voices, rather than some fundamental problem with the descriptions themselves. But this particular voice is different enough to make me curious, and I’m not comfortable making a definitive judgment without knowing more. So The Daily Show gets the easy loss today, while Furious walks away with a well-deserved victory.