Kicking off the Small Screen Diaries for the day, in first place is Crystal Lake, season one, episode six on Peacock, with audio description. Spoiler warning. This is the episode where Pamela increases her body count quite a bit. After watching Grace take a trip down the dark side in the previous episode, Pamela decides to try to shield her from it, and her psychopathic tendencies take over as she blames those weird hippies. She’s going to make them pay. Of course, we know Grace took the LSD of her own accord. No one offered it to her. But Pamela returns to the hippie camp and butchers everybody except Harmony, who escapes in a van. That leaves Harmony open to suspicion, since people think hippies are cults, and they think it’s some sort of weird satanic worship thing. Now the cops are on the hunt for Harmony. The other half of this is that our intrepid reporter has finally gotten a lead on just what exactly was going on at the company, when a surprise guest appearance from Hamish Linklater happens. She realizes she, her brother, and a lot of people are in over their heads with whatever this project is. The episode ends with her and her sheriff brother confronting Pamela after he found the scissors. Which would be totally inadmissible in court, by the way, at this point. There’s no way he has a warrant, and he’s contaminated whatever evidence or crime scene he has here with Pamela. But even though the audio description has her looking at several different ways to either kill or flee, she decides to sit down and tell us the story, although that’s when it cuts. So we’ll find out what her backstory is in the next episode. Decent episode. Brutal, violent, and I loved William Catlett’s performance here. I thought he stood out this episode, especially in his conversation with Dwarf. I don’t quite understand Pamela’s sequence in the shack because she really wasn’t gone long enough for anybody to ransack it that quickly to that degree. Even a machete-wielding Jason, but whatever. Especially to do it silently without being noticed.

In second place is Chad Powers, season two, episode two on Disney+, with audio description. I sat and listened to the entirety of these credits, and just like Crystal Lake, no one is credited at the end for the audio description. No company, no writer, no narrator. A troubling step forward, once again, for Disney in slowly removing the human component, so we don’t even know or can find out. But I still really enjoyed Glen Powell in this role. He always says at least one insanely weird thing every single episode that makes me laugh.

In third place is Monster: The Lizzie Borden Story, the season finale on Netflix. I actually finished this thing. Can you believe it? I finished a season of Monster. I actually think I finished the season with the Menendez brothers, but seasons one and three, no. There’s some better material in the Lizzie Borden season. It has its own style and flair to it. It is still way overly focused on gore for the sake of gore, without furthering the narrative. And some of the performances don’t just border on campy. They are campy. But Sarah Paulson did some really lovely work here as Aileen Wuornos, especially toward the end. I would be surprised if she didn’t get an Emmy nomination for supporting actress in a limited series. I don’t know how many other nominations it’ll get, possibly an actress, but I think that category will be too crowded. And while she’s born of legacy actors, I don’t think there’s a rush to give her awards. Sarah Paulson, however, shows up pretty frequently. I would bet on that. The audio description for Monster was pretty solid across the season, in case I don’t end up reviewing it because I’m backed up and, in real life, also entering the busiest few weeks of the remainder of the year.

Fourth place, DMV, season one, episode 17 on Paramount+, with audio description. Yes, I’m still trying to finish DMV. I’ve mentioned every single time it comes up how crazy this is, that I’m still trying to finish this show. But I like it, and I’m gonna finish the damn thing. I don’t care if it’s a one and done. It’s a funny show. It deserved a second season. DMV deserved better.

In fifth place, Treasure Island, season one, episode one on MGM+, with audio description. This is another one of those limited-series adaptations based on a classic novel that MGM+ seems to have a penchant for. Having just wrapped their limited series based on A Tale of Two Cities, they’re moving on to Treasure Island. Maybe, vicariously through MGM+, everybody can get a better understanding of all of the classic novels they do not wish to read. I think if MGM+ really wants to stun, they should go for even deeper cuts, like Kidnapped, or one of the other Louisa May Alcott books that isn’t Little Women. Give us some classic literature that hasn’t been adapted to death like Treasure Island. There just really isn’t much that stands out about this other than the fact that it has solid production value. The first episode didn’t grab me nearly as much as it should, even though I think David Oyelowo is a fantastic actor. I’m just kind of waiting to see him do more, and the first episode is just an introduction. But kind of just an okay one. Especially if you’ve seen other Treasure Island adaptations before. Which I have. Not only have I seen the obvious ones, like Muppet Treasure Island or Disney’s Treasure Planet, which I’m sure likely came to mind, but back in the day, and this dates me a lot, drive-through restaurants used to have some pretty cool swag for kids. And Arby’s, believe it or not, actually made these little animated VHS tapes of classic stories like Treasure Island. When I was a kid, I had one of these Arby’s VHS tapes of Treasure Island that I had gotten from them. No shit. That was a real thing that happened. You used to be able to drive through and pick up VHS tapes. They were a little bit of a premium add-on with your meal, but I do remember Treasure Island was one of them. I know one of the Mark Twain boys was another, either Tom Sawyer or Huckleberry Finn.

In sixth place, Black Clover on Crunchyroll, season one, episode nine, with audio description. The series is moving at an incredibly patient pace. So I will give it credit for that, for me being able to understand and follow it, versus some of the other anime that can veer into bizarre territory pretty fast and completely lose its thread. At least Black Clover feels very much like you’re watching or reading a really long book, or watching a really long movie, that has just been chopped up into little pieces to make it easier for you to consume.

And in last place is The Paper, season two, episode seven, with audio description. I think they jumped the shark in season two already. Like, I didn’t think that was actually possible, given the fact that they haven’t even produced a full season of shows from what would have been a traditional network run before streaming. This is only like the 17th episode of the show. They wouldn’t even be at their 23-episode full season order, and they’ve already jumped the shark by having this weird dynamic where they’re split up across two different papers. I feel like we’re already at that stage where Jim transferred to another location, but that was earned. We had to earn that over a long period of time. So if Mare comes back with a whole bunch of new cast members to join this version of The Paper, and they just copy and rip off what The Office was doing, I’ll be very disappointed. But aside from the terrific audio description from Iyuno, narrated by Dave Wallace, The Paper has been at the bottom ever since they decided to disrupt the romantic entanglements of their lead characters. Not because I thought they were the world’s greatest couple to begin with, but because I thought it sends the wrong message for the guy that’s the boss to be the one who stays, and the other one has to leave.