Where I Watched it: hulu

English Audio Description?: no

Yeah, i figured since I saw the first and second films in this series, I’d check out Reborn, despite the awful word of mouth. I mean, it couldn’t be any worse than…

Fuck me. It is. I don’t even need audio description to know this film is awful. It’s assembled from a laundry list of barely functioning tropes to cause an audience to contemplate walking into traffic. I’m sure, as shitty as this film is without audio description, nothing really changes except knowledge of how silly the gore probably is.

We’ve got unlikable young folk, like most new horror films. god forbid there’s anyone to root for. One of the leads sounds like Billy Porter, and I’m also supposed to believe that he’s on this journey with his girlfriend, he’s impregnated her, and this is the expert of the film. He’s the guy who knows the most about the Creeper, and he’s an atrocious and miscast actor. The actress playing his girlfriend, arguably the lead of the film, has some of the worst dialogue thrown at her. “he wants what I have. I’m pregnant. Yes I’ll marry you.”

So, our leads are out in dumbass town where it seems to be the 26th year again and the Creeper is back. You might be intelligent enough to wonder, it’s been 26 years since Jeepers Creepers 3? Oh lord no. A future version, like a Jason X, might have been more fun, but instead this Reborn decides to remove and rewrite the timeline, saying that there were three movies made about the Creeper. So those other things you saw, not real. Movies. Literally even in the context of this, I’m guessing documentary? i hate when shitty films go meta.

It’s not scary. I didn’t miss anything without the audio description, because the Creeper doesn’t ever creep. he enters every scene with the loudest possible fucking noises, growling like he missed the audition to play a lion opposite idris Elba in Beast. He seems to quite literally kool-Aid Man his way into rooms. no dialogue necessary. This film is so heavy handed, so poorly written, so loud and obnoxious, miscast, poorly acted, that even though technically I should be saying this film is unwatchable due to the lack of audio description, I’m actually able to tell that even if my eyesight was restored, this film would still be awful.

Kill it. kill it with fire.

Still better than Marmaduke.

Final Grade: D-