Kicking off the Small Screen Diaries for the day is a gentle reminder that there shall be spoilers ahead. And what a lineup today. I watched a lot of bangers, so even the shows near the bottom of the rankings have plenty going for them.

Coming in first place is Carrie, season one, episode eight on Amazon Prime Video, with audio description. This is the season finale, and yes, I’m calling it a season finale because they’re clearly setting up a second season. We finally get to see the interviewer responsible for the conversations threaded through the beginning of the series, and how all of that wraps up. We find out who lives and who dies, and I was a little disappointed toward the end. There are people who die in the gymnasium who had tried to help Carrie, who were never presented as bad people or as being against her in any way. They still pay the price. The series has been carefully walking this line between Carrie as protagonist and Carrie as antagonist, and I think it loses the thread a little here. Carrie discovers her powers much earlier than she does in some other versions of the story, and she’s been practicing and experimenting with them for quite some time. She’s obviously capable of controlling them to some extent. There’s something to be said about Sue making it out basically unscathed, which could easily be interpreted as a choice Carrie makes. But why couldn’t she prevent some of those other deaths? Beyond that, the finale spends too much time setting up the idea, introduced through Emmeline, that there are more people like Carrie in the world. We already know that. We didn’t need such a heavy-handed setup for season two. Then again, balancing the mass-casualty event at Carrie’s school and in her hometown with so much conversation involving the interviewer probably helped keep the budget relatively low. I reviewed the series yesterday, so check that out for my deeper thoughts. Excellent audio description from Adrienne Barbeau, though. It’s lovely to have somebody with those horror ties connected to a Mike Flanagan show. A perfect marriage of narrator and material.

In second place is Dark Matter, season two, episode six on Apple TV, with audio description. This was a very competitive second place. Had I not finished Carrie on the same day, Dark Matter would easily have been the winner. What I loved was how the episode centered on the aftermath of our couple temporarily splitting up and needing to go their separate ways to figure out who they are. That leaves Daniela, played by Jennifer Connelly, at her father’s cabin in a world where her father is still alive. In her own world, he died years ago, so there’s this wonderful moment when he walks back into her life and she gets to see and speak to him again. Of course, that eventually creates a conundrum, given that there are two versions of her in this world. Also, I knew that was Charlie entering the box the moment they started describing a mysterious figure. His dad was a dumbass and mentioned that somewhere out there is a world where Max is alive. Of course Charlie is going to go looking for Max. Nobody should be shocked. Still, it’s a solid story development, and I appreciate the risk of sending Charlie off as a traveler of worlds on his own. We’ll see where that goes. Somebody recently asked me for examples of series with excellent audio description, and Dark Matter is absolutely one of them. The sheer insanity of keeping track of different versions of every character, each with a number assigned to them, is extraordinary. There must be a list somewhere recording all these versions, when they appear, and which number belongs to whom. The numbers don’t necessarily align, so you can have the second version of one person, the sixth version of another, and the eighteenth version of somebody else all in the same conversation. The fact that the audio description makes this comprehensible is remarkable.

Third place goes to South Park on Paramount+, season 29, episode four, with audio description. This one, Guinea Pig on a Stick, is another hilarious send-up of current events. It tackles the idea that America has a beef problem, so the solution is to import South American beef. Since South Park has changed its name to South America, the whole thing becomes about the boys, including little Randy, being unable to afford the food they want while beef is being imported for patriotic Americans who explode into piles of diarrhea. So, guinea pig on a stick it is. Kudos to the audio description, which was terrific. I particularly loved the description of the Texas Roadhouse gang trying to steal the cows, looking like the cast of Yellowstone.

Fourth place goes to Breaking Bad on Netflix, season five, episode two, with audio description by Descriptive Video Works, narrated by Diane Newman. Another exceptional series. I really watched a lot of bangers today. This episode seems to be introducing a new antagonist in the form of an overly perky, seemingly wealthy woman who has a conversation with Mike, only for him to outsmart everything she’s trying to do and eventually show up in a situation that uniquely benefits him. Hank also finds himself in a position where he knows he has the upper hand, and that conversation between Hank and Mike was excellent. But the stuff going on with Walt is so creepy right now. His conversation with Skyler, where his behavior starts verging on marital rape, was deeply uncomfortable. I had no problem placing this fourth with three strong episodes ahead of it. Walt needs an awareness chip installed in his brain, because he seems determined to control Skyler without understanding her at all. More excellent audio description from Diane Newman.

In fifth place is the most recent episode of Have I Got News for You on HBO Max, without audio description. This is one of those utilitarian shows that ranks wherever it happens to land based on the competition, but I love it just the same. Its placement fluctuates depending on what else I’ve watched. And this crew certainly seemed to enjoy reacting to the midterm election results. Because, of course, they did.

In sixth place is Abbott Elementary on Disney+, season six, episode four, with audio description by Verbit, narrated by Vito Di Filippo. The funny thing is, I was just browsing the Audio Description Network Alliance website, ADNA.org, and noticed that Vito, one of the more prolific narrators in the field, has only two credits listed under his name. Talk about somebody who doesn’t seem interested in being recognized for his work. Is he ashamed of what he does? I’ve been incredibly hard on him as a narrator, and maybe he doesn’t want me finding out what he’s worked on. Or maybe he’s concerned that being directly credited could somehow violate a contract. But we know you’re doing Abbott Elementary. Calm down. Ironically, this was one of the better episodes for audio description, too. I actually noticed more robust description for once. Things were being described! I don’t know if the regular writer got sick and somebody else stumbled in and said, I’ve got this, but there was a genuine attempt to provide more and better description, which I appreciate, especially in a Halloween episode with everybody walking around in costumes. I do think you need to understand the references behind those costumes. I’m pretty sure there’s a deep-cut Hey Arnold! reference here, although that’s my guess. Janine dresses up as Susie Carmichael, and I’ll let you Google that one. She’s from a different Nicktoon, but certainly adjacent to the one I mentioned.

In seventh place is Black Torch, season one, episode nine on Crunchyroll, with audio description by Global 3, written by Melvina Babu. I just did a profile of this audio description writer yesterday on my YouTube channel because the work they’ve done has been pretty extraordinary. I suspect Global 3 uses synthetic voices, perhaps not all the time, but often enough to give me pause. Still, the writer is an incredibly important part of the conversation, and I believe Melvina brings these wonderful fantasy and science-fiction worlds to life. Even though I thought Black Torch had been veering away from its story and its path, I actually liked what they did in episode nine. Separating the two characters so that the mononoke accepts his fate while saving his teenage host was an interesting choice, as was the twist at the end. Black Torch rose a little in the rankings as a result.

Finally, in eighth place is The Gentlemen, season two on Netflix, with audio description. I’m not entirely sure which episode this was. The show is fine. Technically, if I were rating individual television episodes, which would be utterly insane to do on Rotten Tomatoes, everything I watched today would be fresh. The Gentlemen would simply be the lowest of the fresh shows. There wasn’t anything I actively disliked, but there wasn’t anything extraordinary about this episode either. I did like what they did with Ray Winstone’s character, who continues to be an interesting presence in every scene he’s in. He’s not even the lead. That’s supposed to be Theo James, but when you’re sharing scenes with one of the greats, it’s pretty hard to topple him. They’re making some interesting choices, but I feel like this could be better, punchier, and have a little more of that Guy Ritchie vibe, which seems to be slipping away.

As for best and worst audio description, I’m giving best to Dark Matter for the reasons I mentioned earlier. I’m continually impressed by the way its description keeps track of all these different versions of the characters. The fact that the series makes any sense at all with numbers attached to everybody’s names is a testament to the strength of the writing. There was some fantastic audio description across the board today. Even Abbott Elementary, which was probably the weakest of the shows that actually had it, was better than it has been. That leaves Have I Got News for You as the loser of the day, simply because it didn’t have audio description and saved me from having to choose a show that did. And given how heavily that show relies on visual jokes and reactions, it really would benefit from having audio description in the first place.